OK, so after my graveyard shift I'm making the long drive back to my sisters place this morning and all I want is some music to zone out to. Thankfully, the Bay Area has a gazillion radio stations and you can always find some really cool music to listen to (hell...I heard the Trashcan Sinatras and the Dead Milkmen on the radio the other day...when's the last time THAT happened in Fresno???). So I'm all bleary eyed driving down I-80 and just...want...some...tunes. But you don't get tunes early in the morning. Nope. Sorry!!! Know what you DO get? Mindless, idiotic, non-stop BLATHER from BLITHERING IDIOTS (that's right...double whammy...blithering blatherers...). For instance, this morning the disc jockey was offering his opinion on the auto indistry bail out plan. Right. Some pimply faced, FM radio working because he cant get a real job in the entertainment industry, weed addled college drop out who is probably a failed musician who never got laid by anybody with an IQ over 95 or a body mass index below 30 who gets paid to push play on a computer bank of predesignated songs is going to explain to me the ins and outs and answers to a world wide economic meltdown that Ivy League economists with Ph. D's can't figure out (my best run-on sentence yet!). But 'Johnny Lightning on your morning drive' is going to give me all the answers. Thanks Johnny Lightning!!! I was concerned that maybe all the best and brightest in the world weren't going to figure this out, but thankfully the guy who has just played 49 Bon Jovi songs in a row has got it nailed!!! Big sigh of relief here! Whew!
Another thing...besides not getting any cool tunes in the morning, I have to drive east away from the Bay which takes me through a mountain pass...which naturally kills all the radio signals. Actually, thats not entirely true. There is one radio signal that comes through just fine. MEXICAN LANGUAGE STATIONS. Holy shit. That 'ooom pah pah' shit comes through with the clarity like the signal was fired from a trillion watt laser from an orbiting space station. OK, thats not entirely true either. Theres always that classic rock station that comes through just fine too, just so I can hear Dire Straits 'The Sultans of Swing' for the hundred billionth time. Because 99,999,999,999 just wasn't enough! Anyway, this ooom pah pah thing did give me some ideas as to a theory. If you've ever been to a Latino bar, you know theres a ton of beer drinking going on with the ooom pah pah music. If you've ever been around Austrians or Germans, you know how fond of beer THEY are and they too have the ooom pah pah thing going on...which leads to the obvious conclusion: too much beer consumption leads to an unhealthy appreciation of polka music and accordians. So please, during this holiday season, for the sake of your families...watch the beer drinking. If you feel the need to don a sombrero or put on some liederhosen, call a cab or get a ride* home. This is how you can tell you've had one too many.
*Was going to make a dirty joke about once you get home if you still decide you'd 'like to have a ride' to give me a call...but that just seemed too tacky...even for me. OK, maybe not, as I wrote it here anyways!
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