Friday, December 19, 2008

Morning Radio

OK, I've been up for 30 hrs. now and am oddly not as sleepy as I should be. So, I thought I'd share some more observations as I drove to Concord early this morning...

-Again...morning radio. I'm tired, I've been up since 4am and am working on a grand total of 45 minutes of sleep as I drive to the Bay Area. All I want is some tunes to distract me from my rather miserable, uncaffinated state. So, do I get tunes? No. What I get is 'morning drivetime radio shows'! You see, these shows, rather than play actual 'music', fill their air time with all sorts of happy and perky chatter. It's always a guy and a news gal on a show called something like 'Venus and DeMilo', and their witty repartie goes something like this:

'Hey Venus, what did you have for dinner last night?'


What kind?'

White meat!'



You're crazy!!! Let's go to the Eagle Eye In the Sky for traffic!!!'

First of all, we don't need a traffic report. It's the Bay Area...i.e. one of the most densely populated places on the planet Earth.'s the morning COMMUTE. Without owning a helicopter to fly over and assess the situation, let me go ahead and tell you anyway what traffic is like on ANY Bay Area freeway on a Friday morning at 7am. You ready? Here it comes...traffic is FUCKED. In fact, scrap the helicopter, because I'm going to tell you what traffic is going to be like every weekday at 7am in the Bay Area for the next billion years. You ready? Here it comes...traffic will be FUCKED...AGAIN. Do I really need a guy in a helicopter to tell me this? Plus, it's raining like a motherfucker outside and, that's right, you guessed it, we're now going to weather.Take it away Bay Area weather guy:

'Hey's raining out there!'

What? Really? I couldn't tell. I thought all the moisture falling from the sky was because God was CRYING, because, like me, He too wanted to hear some tunes but the fucktards on the radio refuse to play any.

Now, as if I'm not now armed with enough valuable information, we're going to get more. You see, these radio shows seem to think that while you may be on your way to work to, oh, I dunno, perform brain surgery, or design the next supercomputer, or teach a college class on philosophy, you really can't be your all until you're armed with some truly valuable factoids. yes, that's's time for 'celebrity news'.

'Hey Venus! I hear Leo DiCaprio is dating somebody new! HAHAHA

'Thats right DeMilo! He's dating a famous person! I'll bet they're totally doing it too!!! Leo DiCaprio is FUCKING A FAMOUS PERSON!!!! HAHAHAHA ISN'T THAT GREAT???

HAHAHA'That Leo is quite the lady killer!!!! HAHAHA Hey Leo...SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US!!!!! HAHAHA'

Actually, that's not entirely true, I DID LEARN this morning that Jeremy Piven has mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi. So, armed with that particular nugget, I felt ready to conquer the world. Except I can't...because I'm stuck in Bay Area traffic (Update from Eagle Eye in the Sky:'Commute traffic is still heavy!!!!' Thank you Eagle Eye...what the fuck would we do without you and your intrepid traffic reporting?).

Want to know what stations don't have a lot of mindless chatter? MEXICAN LANGUAGE STATIONS. It's all 'Ooom Pah Pah' all the time. I don't think they even play commercials...well, they might, but I think their commercials sound just like their songs, so it's hard to tell. But, this did lead me to another theory:
Caucasians love the sound of their own voice. Think about it...Republican law makers, morning DJ's, that drunk sitting next to you in the bar, that person you're dating. Constant white bread yammering, right? And trust me, I'm pretty white bread (just call me 'Wonder'), so I know. Hmmmm...come to think of it, maybe 'Ooom Pah Pah' all the time isn't so bad after all.... Pass me a Budweiser, I need to think about this. They COULD be on to something...

*Of course the radio station totally suckered me. When I got to my wit's end and was getting ready to change the channel, they played a new Deathcab For Cutie song which was pretty damn good. So, like the dumbass I am, I continued to listen. Tell me more about that chicken dinner you had Venus, I'd love to hear it...

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