Thursday, May 21, 2009

You may not know your neighbors, but they sure may know you...

So tonight I was standing in my driveway when a strange, chain smoking Asian woman, who I have never set eyes on in my life, walked up to me, and said I "needed" to walk her to the corner of the street in order to placate a friend of hers, who was worried about her safety. She proceeded to (accurately) tell me what I did for a living, told me all about a party I had three years ago at my house, about how I had a friend who is a NY trained chef bbq at my place several times, and that over the years she's noticed 'several' different women coming and going from my place. Exactly. Cue theme from Twilight Zone (or maybe Psycho). I mean, you know, do you respond to that? What do you say? 'Well complete stranger who I have never met who seems to know waaaaay to much about me, although I am about nine inches and 70 pounds larger than you, I must say, you're spooking the ever living shit out of me." But no, I am a polite man, even to the apparently somewhat disturbed, so I made pleasant chit chat through her cloud of cigarette smoke as I walked her to the corner...and looked for a hidden knife or pistol in the waistband of her pants. I then asked her how she knew so much about the neighborhood (didn't want to bring it back to me), and she stated when you knew Spanish, French, and Arabic, you know a lot. Yep. Apparently you do! So, needless to say, tonight I will be sleeping with one eye open and my hands over my testicles, because a) it just seems like a good idea, and b) truth be told they're usually placed there anyway, so, you know...bonus.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is that singer from Kings of Leon one, whiney, annoying bastard. Attention radio programmers of America: ENOUGH ALREADY! "This sex is onnnn fiiiire." Really? Then go to the doctor and get it checked. That burning sensation is not normal...dumbass.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Tragedy Avoided

On my long commute home this morning after an even longer graveyard shift, the radio station played back to back John Mayer, Jack Johnson, and Dave Matthews songs. I don't know if the DJ was trying to induce narcolepsy in us early morning drivers, but it was only through quick and decisive action was I able to change the radio channel prior to passing out in a deep coma as a result of this Sleepy Time Herbal Tea radio hour programming. We were THIS CLOSE to having a nasty pile up on I-80 eastbound due to the mellow whitebread sleep inducing music emanating from my speakers. Another interesting thing about these so called "chill' artists is their lyrics, which sound something like this: "Mwah freh traugh sawaho cho mah saw lah owwww". All three songs seemed to follow this unique vocal styling which seemed to take the idea of having a mouth full of marbles to new and exciting heights. It was just simply an awful...I mean awsome...aural experience (not to be confused with an awesome 'oral experience', which, lets face it, beats John Mayer and his ilk all to hell ...). Do people really listen to this stuff? Or is it really meant for the treatment of insomnia? Hmmm...maybe these guys are sponsored by Merck or Eli Lilly? Actually, I can totally see the following: Tonight Only! John Mayer, Jack Johnson, and Dave Matthews brought to you by the makers of Ambien! (and then rather than sell t-shirts at the concert, they sell pilllows and comforters.... You know, I really think I'm on to something here...).