Thursday, August 25, 2011

Quick Rant

Attention Fresnans: the minor kink (like what, about a 4 degree variance???) on freeway 41 between Shields and McKinley does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, require you to slam on your brakes and slow down to 27 mph. Stop treating it like it's blood alley or the chicane of death for Christ's sake, and grow a pair. Thank you for listening.

Also, motorcyclists: wearing a Jesse James style bandana with an open faced helmet does not make you look like a bad ass. It makes you look like an idiot. If you're really concerned about bugs in your face/mouth/etc., it's called a full face helmet. They're not new. Look into it.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Marilyn Monroe and Lance

So, I’ve seen a lot of women over the years post the following quote on various social media profiles:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Now, I know a lot of you ladies think this says, “Hey, I’m not perfect, and if you cannot accept that, then you have unrealistic expectations and are unworthy of a relationship with me.” But you know what? It doesn’t say that. Know what it does say? It says the following:

“Hi. I’m a seriously unhinged lunatic who will have the occasional lucid moment where I’ll lull you into a false sense of comfort that I’m a rational human being. The reality is, however, you are far more likely to wake up with me straddling you, crying, holding a knife to your throat, and screaming, DO YOU LOVE ME???? DO YOU???????? DADDY….WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME????? WHY??????????”

You see, this quote is from Marilyn Monroe. The same Marilyn Monroe who not only was raised in a physically abusive atmosphere, but married a string of assholes and then fucking KILLED HERSELF. She was also famous for being wildly promiscuous, and not because she had some sort of voracious sexual appetite, but because she felt the need to constantly debase herself because she was filled with an overwhelming sense of self loathing. Now, while we can debate the tragedy of it all, let us not forget the paramount point here…she was a complete train wreck. To identify with her is to identify yourself as a likewise pile of twisted metal and smoke filled destruction, and a pretty good flag for healthy people to view you as a live grenade. It’s also a great way for the kind of narcissistic, self aggrandizing, abusive pricks Marilyn often engaged in relationships with to sniff you out and introduce themselves. Just so you know…

Also, I had the following encounter yesterday. As I was driving down the road after a trip to the grocery store, my trunk warning light came on, and it turned out I hadn’t completely shut my trunk. Not wanting potentially loose plastic grocery bags to fly out of my trunk, I pulled over to the right curbline of Shepherd Avenue, stopped my car, got out, and shut my trunk. Now, in this spot on the road, there is a designated bicycle lane…which I momentarily occupied with my car. Before I pulled over, I made sure there were no cyclists near by. After the fifteen total seconds I occupied the bike lane, and as I was reentering my car, a cyclist, apparently offended he had to make the risky maneuver of moving six feet to his left, felt the need to make the following comment as he rode by, “Really!!!???” Apparently, he was so mortified by my position in the road, he just couldn’t help himself. Now, Lance here (he was dressed up in the latest Tour de France style bicycle racing gear…i.e. spandex head to toe…and speaking of toe, probably a good case of man camel toe as well in those bun huggers he was wearing. C’est chic monsieur!) was no doubt deciding to take up the need all “serious cyclists” feel in educating the general public in traffic etiquette (if you’ve ever seen an episode of Portlandia, you know what I’m talking about). They think they’re being helpfully instructive and are creating greater societal good. But you know what they’re really being? A ginormous asshole. I mean, just like the Grand Canyon, it can be seen from space kind of asshole. And it’s not instructive. It’s just being a dick who is assuming you are the only decent human being in the world and this lunk headed car driver decided to park his car in the middle of a bike lane so he could jack off and smoke a menthol cigarette or something. Whatever. Point is, it never occurred to this living, locomotion capable douche bag, that perhaps there was a REASON why this guy pulled over, legally I might add, into the bike lane. What his comment did inspire , however, was a moment where I considered catching up to him and committing vehicular homicide…just so I could hear his head pop like a grape under my 3,500 lb vehicle, and have the joy of rinsing his blood off of my grill. But no, I didn’t do this and settled for this razor sharp come back statement instead: “Yeah…really!” Yeah, my wit knows no bounds. The kicker is Mr. Law and Order here made a right turn at the next intersection into the far left oncoming lane (illegal), and then proceeded to travel against traffic (also illegal). It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragically retarded. The lack of a sense of hypocrisy and self awareness that seems to be spreading across this country faster than an STD on a college campus is depressing, and will be the death knell of this country faster than any boneheaded economic policy we adopt. Wow. That was a lot of words to just say “people are dumb.” Thanks for indulging me.