Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Energy Beer

Energy beer?
So this guy tells me he's been drinking "energy beer". I think it was called Sparks...or something like that. Energy beer? Really? Wow...let's break this down, shall we?First of all, apparently this is beer laced with lots of caffeine. OK. Now, to state the obvious, caffeine is a stimulant, right? A beer is a depressant, right? So what have we got with energy beer? A company that has finally, FINALLY, had the balls to legally market a speedball. Congrats. Society has evolved. Hey, why bother with all that heroin and cocaine (or methamphetamine...your call) when you now can get the same thing in a 16oz beverage from the cold case at 7-11? Now you can be shitfaced drunk, AND wired. Awesome. Because, let's face it, if there's something we all want, it's a drunk with lots of energy to just keep on talking! At least with good old beer, at some point they get drowsy and go look for a nice garage floor to take an impromptu "nap" on. 'Ya know?

Anyway, "energy beer" is a total oxymoron anyway. It flies in the face of what beer is all about. Beer has done many a thing to me, but filling me with vim and vigor is not one of them. What beer does is eventually make your sofa look like the most awesome place to be EVER...and once on it, you will strongly consider the idea that you may never want to leave it ever again. Except to urinate...but thats it. So, anywhoo, beer in any form has never inspired me to great heights of manic energy. It HAS however, inspired other things. Here's a short, but by no means, complete, list of such beer fueled inspirations:

-talk much louder than need be. In fact, talk much louder than need be if a 747 jumbo jet was firing up its engines right next to me.
-eat three plates of fried food at 3am.
-laugh at inappropriate things. Laugh at appropriate things. Laugh at everything. Laugh at the fact that I'm laughing...and so on...
-make sexual suggestions to inappropriate people. Make inappropriate sexual suggestions to appropriate people.
-turn the act of lovemaking into such an arduously long affair that even I lose interest in whats going on and start thinking "for the love of god can't we just get this over with?"
-forget that women don't find intestinal gas funny.
-tell obscene jokes (although funny).
-suddenly realize theres no need to urinate in the toilet when theres a perfectly lovely patio and shrubs to fill this task...bonus is lots of friendly people to talk to as you whiz.
-get waaaay too into sports...even ones I dont care about, i.e. suddenly have an opinion about the internal politics of the Latvian badminton team.
-began to realize that despite my first impressions of when I walked into the bar, party or whatever, every single woman in the place, all of them, are kinda hot. Why didnt I notice this before????
-say EXACTLY whats on my mind. This of course has repercussions.
-realize there isn't a form of music I dont like. Romanian hill music as realized through the marriage of Jamaican steel drums and the pan flute performed by Kenny G? Crank it up baby!!!
-think I'm much better looking, interesting, and charming than I actually am...and decide I have a real shot at that Brazilian swimsuit model who is at the bar signing autographs.
-not realize my fly is open...then realize it...and not care.
-if I'm channel surfing and Tombstone is on, and even though I have the DVD and can watch it any old time, and it doesn't matter if its 4am, I will have to stop and watch it (sorry...I like Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer was the shit in that movie...).
-same goes with Pulp Fiction, Caddyshack, Good Fellas, The Big Lebowski, the first two Pink Panthers, and a bunch of others actually...There's more of course, but you get the idea...none of it is exactly in the realm of 'perky'!

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