Wednesday, December 10, 2008


-OK, we all know how I am jinxed when it comes to being in line at the grocery store. I swear, it's almost freaky. Last night I was buying a few minor necessities for dinner, and guess what? Yep…cluster fuck on register four. So I'm patiently standing there with my meager twenty dollars worth of shit, hoping to make a quick exit. Ha! Nope! The guy in front of me asks for cash back…twenty dollars to be exact. The cashier rings up the purchase and hands him a twenty dollar bill. He takes his six pack of Coke and bag of chips (and a pack of gum if I remember correctly), and prepares to walk away. The cashier then abruptly shouts "Sir…I'm so sorry! I forgot to add on your twenty dollars cash back to your bill…" Now, instead of merely looking at his receipt to confirm the error, the guy fires back an "Excuse me?" and gives the cashier a look like she's some kind of lying ass whore. Needless to say, resolving this issue isn't going to be easy. The cashier asks the gentleman (I use this word loosely, "asshole" would be more appropriate) to take a look at his receipt to show him the error. He's reluctant to do so. So she produces HER receipt to show him that yes, a three dollar six pack of Coke, a two dollar bag of chips, and a pack of gum, PLUS twenty dollars cash back does not, in fact, equal six dollars and thirty two cents. Of course Mr. Tightass now figures there's some kind of grand Save Mart conspiracy to screw him out of twenty dollars, and now we need to get the manager involved. Sigh. The thing is this dork knew he was essentially trying to steal twenty dollars because he was refusing to look at his own receipt. Just let it go man! I need to get home with my wine! (Cline red zinfandel…not a bad bottle for the money). Fuck no…we're going to have some street theater over this issue! So I stand there with my best "Are you fucking kidding me?" look on my face as the drama plays itself out, and the guy eventually sulks off minus his twenty dollar bill...and his dignity. As for me? I, once again, get the joy of turning a ten minutes grocery trip into a migraine inducing half-hour torture session.

-Speaking of torture session…the holidays. Now, perhaps you think of the holidays as a time of forgiveness and family bonding, or if you're the religious sort, the birth of the earthly embodiment of God, or whatever. It's all good. But driving around the other day, I discovered what the real point of the holidays are: mindless, rampant, head up your ass consumerism. I have never seen so many people driving around not only with a look of panic on their faces (it's the panicky look of: "If I don't blow every penny I have, plus put the equivalent of thirty percent of my of my total yearly earnings on credit buying useless shit none of us need, the…the…the…holidays will be RUINED!"). It actually nauseates me. The fact that we, well, not me, but "them", so mindlessly buy into corporate America's ongoing mantra of a mind fuck of "spend-spend-spend if you love somebody" is pitiful (OK, not really…I do not pity the stupid). Why does society feel compelled to consume? Here's a great example of how corporate America is doing you in the keister, sans lube, and not even a with a kiss on the cheek or telling you how pretty you are: the iPod. We all have one, right? And they all pretty much do the same thing…play music and video files. But guess what? That one you bought six months ago? It's a piece of shit. Want to know why? Because it's white…and now we offer all these cool new COLORS. So, if you're not some totally uncool loser, throw away the one you already have a get a hot new pink one..or whatever. No, it has no new functions…but it IS a cool new color! Come on you typical American retard! Buy a new one! What are you waiting for????? It's a different color for fuck's sake!!!! BUY BUY BUY!!!!!!! It's only money you probably don't even have anyways you fucktard!!!!Sigh. And people do…and it really is kind of tragic. Same thing with cell phones. Hey Mr. American El Tardo. Check out your phone. Does it have a keyboard on it? It does…but they're buttons, right? HA HA HA! You fool!!! You suck! Ha, ha, ha…you probably fingerpaint with your own dung too you monkey!!!! If you were truly an upright walking homosapien, you'd have this phone right here!!! No, it doesn't do anything different than the phone you already have, but its keyboard is on a TOUCH SCREEN. It's soooo totally different. So, unless you want to look like the worlds lamest…uh…."lamoid" (I'm running out of pejoratives here), ditch that actual keyboard for a virtual keyboard. It's only going to cost you two-hundred dollars you don't need to spend, but really, come on…this phone will get you LAID*…so what are you waiting for???? (sound being softly and lovingly whispered in your ear: spend spend spend).

-What is it about the loving embrace of the holidays that makes people drive like homicidal maniacs? In this season of peace and love, people drive with a "I will burn rubber on your larynx, back up, do it again, park on your dick, and then hunt down and vehicular manslaughter your entire family because I need to buy a different colored iPod goddammit!!!! This white one I purchased for my loved one six months ago that has all the functions of the colored ones just doesn't truly express who my loved one is or how I feel about them!!!!! So get the fuck outta my way!!!! Aaaaaaiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!" Anywhoo…there's a whole lot of shopping induced mania out there, and I just wish people would chill. I've never seen so many folks stress in the pursuit of…peace. It's the ultimate dichotomy, and if you have any sense of irony at all, it IS kind of funny…unless of course you're just trying to get to the dry cleaners before you have to go back to the Bay Area and you're stuck behind these holiday tweakers. In that case, it is not funny…AT ALL. I think the ultimate gift this year should be the county lacing the public water system with Prozac. It would do us all a world of good…

-Holy shit is I-80 near Berkeley cold as fuck at 3am. Jesus Christ, I almost froze my nuts off. When Mark Twain said "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco", he should have amended it to "Unless of course you're in the East Bay, and it's winter…and you're dumb enough to be outside after sundown…for any reason whatsoever….you moron." Needless to say, I invested in a heavy jacket which seems to have remedied the situation…but good lord, to be homeless in the Bay Area in the winter you'd have to be one hearty motherfucker. In fact, I'd put the Bay Area bums up against any in the world…they're just that impressive. OK, that's about it for now…time to get to some chores I've been ignoring due to my whacked out sleep schedule and being out of town…good times.

*If there IS a phone out there that WILL get you laid...let me know. THAT is a purchase I may consider...

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