Cutting Edge Ancient Technology

Perhaps some of you have seen a theme in some of my postings here, and that theme is I want a new car. The reason why I want a new car is because I drive an eight year old Toyota Tundra pickup. It's a fine truck, paid for, and runs great. But it is eight years old, and has some of the eight year old related minor issues, like this one: the tape player (for those of you over thirty, don't laugh. For those of you under thirty, a "tape player", pronounced TAY-PUH PLAY-ERR, was a neolithic device carved from stone using hand tooled devices. A piece of magnetized tape would run over a piece of smooth metal that read the magnetic impulses and turned these into electrical impulses that recreated sound. It was invented in 1492 AD by Leonardo DaVinci, when his previous invention, the 8-track, didn't take off, and he was struggling to complete the Mona Lisa while listening to Steely Dan albums) doesn't really work anymore. You put in a tape, and it sounds like Lindsay Lohan doing a mountain of crystal while arm wrestling a constipated baboon. In other words, it's noisy...oh, and no music comes out either, which is, of course, a problem as well, and kind of the whole purpose of the TAY-PUH PLAY-ERR. Oh, and as soon as you put a tape in the player, it immediately ejects it anyways (much like if you stuck a donut in Kate Moss' mouth)...making everything kinda moot. But John, doesn't your truck have a CD player? Yes, it does...but it has a few minor issues as well, and a CD player doesn't get me my tunes out of my iPod.

So, as you can see, my cassette tape adapter is a no-go for my iPod in order for me to enjoy all the wonderful tuneage in my car. But John! There's this wonderful device called an "FM transmitter" for your iPod that allows you to listen to your iPod over your vehicles FM radio. Really? Awesome. So I bought one.

First issues first. The instructions stated the following: "Just go ahead and tune your stereo to a frequency that is all static, and preferably an area on the radio that has three static frequencies in a row; then choose the middle frequency in order to avoid bleed over from another frequency." OK! Can do! Turn on car stereo aaaaand, one click at a time up we go up EVERY FREQUENCY on the dial, and trust me, that's a lot of fucking frequencies. Know how many static frequencies I find? Three. Know how many were in a row? None. Know what I did find? About 10 channels for classic rock hits, R and B/hip hop, and hard rock, and about 90 channels of the "good time gospel Christian your going to hell you filthy sinning whore hour' and Spanish language stations. In fact, the Spanish stations may have been preaching the same message because I thought I had heard the words "Diablo", "Christos", "puta" and "Dio" (and the "Dio" I think they were talking about wasn't Ronnie James Dio). Then again, I heard the word "cerveza", giggling women, and polka music too...so perhaps they were just telling off-color jokes at an over the air party. I dunno. Anyways, needless to say there was no "bleed over" safe zones due to California's need to either hear the Eagles YET AGAIN, be shunned and reminded we're going to hell, or get our drink on with Rodrigo and Raul (I think they were the dj's). There were, by the way, two perfectly dead and staticky frequencies at the very beginning of the dial right next to each other...I think it was 87.7 and 87.9 FM. Know what the lowest frequency the FM transmitter would go to? Yep. 88.1 FM. Sigh. Although this wasn't an Apple product, I still think Steve Jobs is somehow responsible.

So I find the best of the "non bleed over-ish" frequencies and give the old FM transmitter a go. And.......hmmmm....is it on? Yep. Ooooohhhhhkaaaaaay...read instructions: "Be sure iPod device is turned up to at LEAST 75% of total volume." Huh. Well, it's over 50%, but ok. Turn it up and I hear something tinny like a small child talking over a soup can tied to a string. Crank it up to 100% and there's good old Rob Dickinson, who normally has a powerhouse of a voice, sounding like....shit. I've had better reception in a tunnel, and better audio quality from a Speak and Spell (for those of you under 30...never mind). So what does the "FM" in the FM transmitter stand for? Faulty Merchandise? Feeble Machine? FUCKING MADDENING? Meh....needless to say, it's going back...and I'll just break the law and wear ear buds in the mean time.

So, there you go...another reason why I need a new luxury car...for the MP3 player connectivity. That alone would be worth the $600 a month car payment.

My second rate supermarket is a first rate radio station

I have ranted in the past about the dearth of good, hip, cool, tasteful, relevant or progressive music radio stations. It seems as if the only thing you can hear now is talk, sports, news, top 40, r&b, rap/hip hop, and hard rock. That's it. Oh, and Spanish language...which I'm sure is even transmitted to the surface of Mars. Anyways, most radio stations in California (and I have lived and/or worked in every region of the state) suck. Balls. Majorly. It is an endless source of frustration for me, and what eventually drove me to purchase an iPod large enough to put my musical collection on, so I could hear it in my car. I had given up on the idea that a radio station was going to play me good, or introduce me to new, music. But check this out: My local and closest supermarket plays really good alternative/Brit pop ALL THE TIME. You know how most stores have this pumped in muzak stuff? My local Save Mart (which I only go to when I'm too lazy to drive the extra mile to the Vons that has a better selection of foodstuffs) has played the following bands on its store sound system: The Catherine Wheel/Rob Dickinson, The Doves, Supergrass, The Style Council, REM, Ride, The Stone Roses, The Pixies, The Police, Johnny Marr, Crowded House...and those are the ones I can think of off of the top of my head. Are you kidding me? You can't even hear this stuff on the college radio station here! The supermarket? Save Mart? REALLY? That is so sad when a town's food store is its bastion of indie/college/ alt. rock. It has also introduced me to new music as well, something that hasn't happened in FOREVER as a result of over the air radio. Yesterday I was buying some things to make our traditional humongoid family breakfast, and I heard this perfect little pop ditty on the speakers in the produce section (gots to have my Fuji apples). I had never heard it before, and it literally stopped me in my tracks to try and discern its lyrics. I memorized a few lines, went home and Googled it, and through the magic of iTunes, found it. Unbelievable. And by sampling that song, it turned me on to another band I had never heard of whose music resonated with me. Wow. My local grocery store turns me on to music in a way that the actual music industry itself has failed at for the last fifteen years or so. There's just something inherently hysterical about that.

Other things that bounced through my head as I pushed my cart along the grocery aisles:

-I wonder why most of us don't party like we did when we were younger? I mean we can, and sometimes DO (I had an experience at a football game last fall that was reminiscent of my best/worst 19 year old behavior), but something seems to fade that demands we tie one on every weekend, Thursday, every other Tuesday, and dollar beer Mondays at the local dive. I went to a Super Bowl get together tonight and had some beers. Caught a slight buzz and had good conversation and laughs. Good times. But back in the day, that vibe would have been "Time for me to really get my drink on!" Tonight the vibe was "Hmmmm....kinda drowsy...need to think about going home...sleep sounds gooooood right now." Plus, I was feeling kinda inflated by the beer. Why is that? At 20 years old you could drink a 12 pack and still wolf down an entire meal. Now? Four Newcastles and you skip the meal for fear of exploding. And sleep? I can remember partying literally until sunrise, sleeping for an hour, showering, then going to school/work...and then doing it all over again THAT NIGHT. I dunno. I think a certain gene kicks in that regulates these things. I think it's the same one that also makes us file our taxes on time and keep our pool clean.

-I never seem to completely finish a pot of coffee. Ever. And I love coffee like others love soda, Jesus, whiskey, or cocaine and strippers. Seriously. There's always that unconsumed 1/4 of an inch in the pot whenever I go to make a new pot. Why is that? People always finish their soda. God knows a drunk polishes off his whiskey. But never the coffee for me. And it doesn't matter how much I make. Two cups, twelve cups...same result. 1/4 of an inch left over. If you added all those leftover dregs up, its probably about a pot a month. And good coffee is expensive. Not un-prescribed oxycontin or hydrocodone expensive (not that I would, you know...."know" about that), but it ain't cheap. Personally I think it is some sort of subliminal sacrifice to the great coffee goddess Insomnia (who I picture is a goddess dressed in a bathrobe, bags under her eyes, hair frazzled, a little twitchy, and clutching a steaming mug of java. She of course magically transforms into a breathtaking vision of loveliness...but only after that morning cup).

-if you ever lose a grandparent, or other elderly loved one, do not fret. I will find them for you. Just let me know they are missing, and I'll get straight to work. All I have to do is be in a hurry, and at the grocery store. They will immediately magically appear in front of me either pushing a cart slower than a snails pace right down the middle of the aisle with no hope of passing them on either side, or be arguing with the cashier about an expired coupon while writing a check for the wrong amount. I have guaranteed results and charge a reasonable finders fee. Just let me know.

Morning Radio

OK, I've been up for 30 hrs. now and am oddly not as sleepy as I should be. So, I thought I'd share some more observations as I drove to Concord early this morning...

-Again...morning radio. I'm tired, I've been up since 4am and am working on a grand total of 45 minutes of sleep as I drive to the Bay Area. All I want is some tunes to distract me from my rather miserable, uncaffinated state. So, do I get tunes? No. What I get is 'morning drivetime radio shows'! You see, these shows, rather than play actual 'music', fill their air time with all sorts of happy and perky chatter. It's always a guy and a news gal on a show called something like 'Venus and DeMilo', and their witty repartie goes something like this:

'Hey Venus, what did you have for dinner last night?'

Chicken!'

What kind?'

White meat!'

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!! HAHAHAHA'

I totally DID!!!!! THEY WERE CUT INTO STRIPS TOO!!!! HAHAHAHAHA'HAHAHAHA!!!

You're crazy!!! Let's go to the Eagle Eye In the Sky for traffic!!!'

First of all, we don't need a traffic report. It's the Bay Area...i.e. one of the most densely populated places on the planet Earth. And...it's the morning COMMUTE. Without owning a helicopter to fly over and assess the situation, let me go ahead and tell you anyway what traffic is like on ANY Bay Area freeway on a Friday morning at 7am. You ready? Here it comes...traffic is FUCKED. In fact, scrap the helicopter, because I'm going to tell you what traffic is going to be like every weekday at 7am in the Bay Area for the next billion years. You ready? Here it comes...traffic will be FUCKED...AGAIN. Do I really need a guy in a helicopter to tell me this? Plus, it's raining like a motherfucker outside and, that's right, you guessed it, we're now going to weather.Take it away Bay Area weather guy:

'Hey folks...it's raining out there!'

What? Really? I couldn't tell. I thought all the moisture falling from the sky was because God was CRYING, because, like me, He too wanted to hear some tunes but the fucktards on the radio refuse to play any.

Now, as if I'm not now armed with enough valuable information, we're going to get more. You see, these radio shows seem to think that while you may be on your way to work to, oh, I dunno, perform brain surgery, or design the next supercomputer, or teach a college class on philosophy, you really can't be your all until you're armed with some truly valuable factoids. yes, that's right...it's time for 'celebrity news'.

'Hey Venus! I hear Leo DiCaprio is dating somebody new! HAHAHA

'Thats right DeMilo! He's dating a famous person! I'll bet they're totally doing it too!!! Leo DiCaprio is FUCKING A FAMOUS PERSON!!!! HAHAHAHA ISN'T THAT GREAT???

HAHAHA'That Leo is quite the lady killer!!!! HAHAHA Hey Leo...SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US!!!!! HAHAHA'

Actually, that's not entirely true, I DID LEARN this morning that Jeremy Piven has mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi. So, armed with that particular nugget, I felt ready to conquer the world. Except I can't...because I'm stuck in Bay Area traffic (Update from Eagle Eye in the Sky:'Commute traffic is still heavy!!!!' Thank you Eagle Eye...what the fuck would we do without you and your intrepid traffic reporting?).

Want to know what stations don't have a lot of mindless chatter? MEXICAN LANGUAGE STATIONS. It's all 'Ooom Pah Pah' all the time. I don't think they even play commercials...well, they might, but I think their commercials sound just like their songs, so it's hard to tell. But, this did lead me to another theory:
Caucasians love the sound of their own voice. Think about it...Republican law makers, morning DJ's, that drunk sitting next to you in the bar, that person you're dating. Constant white bread yammering, right? And trust me, I'm pretty white bread (just call me 'Wonder'), so I know. Hmmmm...come to think of it, maybe 'Ooom Pah Pah' all the time isn't so bad after all.... Pass me a Budweiser, I need to think about this. They COULD be on to something...

*Of course the radio station totally suckered me. When I got to my wit's end and was getting ready to change the channel, they played a new Deathcab For Cutie song which was pretty damn good. So, like the dumbass I am, I continued to listen. Tell me more about that chicken dinner you had Venus, I'd love to hear it...

Ooom pah pah and the Sultans of Swing

OK, so after my graveyard shift I'm making the long drive back to my sisters place this morning and all I want is some music to zone out to. Thankfully, the Bay Area has a gazillion radio stations and you can always find some really cool music to listen to (hell...I heard the Trashcan Sinatras and the Dead Milkmen on the radio the other day...when's the last time THAT happened in Fresno???). So I'm all bleary eyed driving down I-80 and just...want...some...tunes. But you don't get tunes early in the morning. Nope. Sorry!!! Know what you DO get? Mindless, idiotic, non-stop BLATHER from BLITHERING IDIOTS (that's right...double whammy...blithering blatherers...). For instance, this morning the disc jockey was offering his opinion on the auto indistry bail out plan. Right. Some pimply faced, FM radio working because he cant get a real job in the entertainment industry, weed addled college drop out who is probably a failed musician who never got laid by anybody with an IQ over 95 or a body mass index below 30 who gets paid to push play on a computer bank of predesignated songs is going to explain to me the ins and outs and answers to a world wide economic meltdown that Ivy League economists with Ph. D's can't figure out (my best run-on sentence yet!). But 'Johnny Lightning on your morning drive' is going to give me all the answers. Thanks Johnny Lightning!!! I was concerned that maybe all the best and brightest in the world weren't going to figure this out, but thankfully the guy who has just played 49 Bon Jovi songs in a row has got it nailed!!! Big sigh of relief here! Whew!

Another thing...besides not getting any cool tunes in the morning, I have to drive east away from the Bay which takes me through a mountain pass...which naturally kills all the radio signals. Actually, thats not entirely true. There is one radio signal that comes through just fine. MEXICAN LANGUAGE STATIONS. Holy shit. That 'ooom pah pah' shit comes through with the clarity like the signal was fired from a trillion watt laser from an orbiting space station. OK, thats not entirely true either. Theres always that classic rock station that comes through just fine too, just so I can hear Dire Straits 'The Sultans of Swing' for the hundred billionth time. Because 99,999,999,999 just wasn't enough! Anyway, this ooom pah pah thing did give me some ideas as to a theory. If you've ever been to a Latino bar, you know theres a ton of beer drinking going on with the ooom pah pah music. If you've ever been around Austrians or Germans, you know how fond of beer THEY are and they too have the ooom pah pah thing going on...which leads to the obvious conclusion: too much beer consumption leads to an unhealthy appreciation of polka music and accordians. So please, during this holiday season, for the sake of your families...watch the beer drinking. If you feel the need to don a sombrero or put on some liederhosen, call a cab or get a ride* home. This is how you can tell you've had one too many.

*Was going to make a dirty joke about once you get home if you still decide you'd 'like to have a ride' to give me a call...but that just seemed too tacky...even for me. OK, maybe not, as I wrote it here anyways!