Saturday, February 22, 2014

2014: RIP Hipster Culture

The destruction of hipster culture by corporate America is almost complete: a car ad featuring a bearded 28-30 year old with ironic handlebar mustache, desert boots and a vintage blazer (yes, I own some of those clothing items myself, but let's stay on point here). When Toyota America and KFC start identifying you as a target demographic, your days as the underdog, rebel, and counter culture icon are pretty much over. Sorry, but you've been officially assimilated by The Borg, and resistance is futile. Welcome to adulthood. So, what do you have to look forward to, hipsters? Nothing...for about 15 years...and then you'll notice golf, e.d. drugs, and Cadillacs will start being marketed to you. It should be fun. I can see it now: a bearded, skinny jean wearing man with salt and pepper hair, staring lovingly at his wife as she sits at a pottery wheel (it's either a pottery wheel or "his 'n hers" outdoor tubs on an island beach somewhere) when a voice over begins "You just never know when the moment is right, but when it is..." and Bon Iver plays quietly in the background...

So, enjoy your last frosty PBR, as your days going forward will be filled with looking in the rearview mirror and wondering where all your "edginess" went (answer: it left with your 20's...nobody wants an edgy 30 or 40-something. "Edgy" makes for shitty employees and unreliable romantic partners. Upside? You'll have a few dollars in your pocket now so you can drink something OTHER than PBR, AND afford to treat your partner to some cuisine other than something served from a truck parked outside your favorite ironic dive bar).

The true value of modern technology

64K processing power. One floppy drive. $2100 in 1985, or, in todays dollars, over $4000. It's computing power was 250,000 times LESS than a new MacBook Pro from today. Think about that. Can you just IMAGINE the patience an internet porn addict would have to have with that kind of computing power? "OK. Midgets in Spandex Who've Gone Bad and Need a Spanking, part IX...directed by Alan Smithee. Let's see...and click save. Alrighty, now, what can I do until this is completely downloaded? Oh yeah...finish grad-school AND repaint the garage." Thank you modern technology for making life easier for pervs with ADHD...and people who like "lol-cats" and "fail videos" (which are folks who are really two sides of the same coin).