Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sandra Bullock, Cruz'n for love, and the gubmint

So Sandra Bullock said something along the lines of, "Expecting an actor to NOT be a narcissist is kind of like expecting a bird NOT to poop when it's flying. It's kind of what they do." I agree completely, and she has perfectly stated why it’s a good idea to avoid any sort of relationship with an actor: Much like a bird flying high above, they will crap on you. It's kind of what they do.

Moving on to the truly insane: Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan stated one of their core problems with The ACA was its mandate that employers provide birth control as a part of their employee health care plans, because it could violate the religious beliefs of certain employers. But why stop there? Shouldn't Viagra and other ED drugs also violate the religious beliefs of these same employers? Surely, if some gray haired dude cannot get a boner, it is because it was ordained by The Lord, and a medically induced stiffie would be an abomination in His Eyes. In fact, I think this very issue was mentioned in Corinthians (so sayeth The Lord "He shall not spring heavenward from his nether regions like a fresh stalk of grain with the aid of unnatural substances created by soothsayers and other necromancers. Amen."). Anyways, they're strangely silent on this issue. Typical of the radical set, afraid to make the "hard" decisions. (Zing! See what I did there????)

When people say, "I love my country, but I hate my government", I like to ask them, "What do mean by that? Your country IS your government. Otherwise, you're just talking about a large chunk of dirt bordered on its east and west sides by an ocean." In the future I'm going to suggest to them, "Don't you mean I love this continent? Or perhaps this particular combination of tectonic plates? Because clearly, you HATE this country, based on your views about the government. Simple deductive reasoning indicates you must rather be a fan of our particular brand of clays and top soils." They invariably will answer, "Well, I loved this country when it was it USED to be!" Then the logical query would be ,"Used to be...when? When slavery was legal? When the average life expectancy was approximately 47 yrs (as recently as 1900)? When the average household income was $740 a year (in 1913...which adjusted for inflation was $15,000 in 2006, when the average household income for the USA in 2006 was over $49, things weren't so hot in 1913)? When the majority of people lived in homes with dirt floors and without electricity?  The Reagan revolution when the national debt went from $900 billion to $3 trillion (over a threefold increase)? The Dubya years when middle class incomes stagnated and declined?  When is the great USED TO BE in your statement?"

I doubt they will have much of an answer...because the "USED TO BE" only exists in their head, and in fiction...which of course is the same thing.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Phase Changes of Microwavable Items

A microwave is an interesting thing, and, of course, a handy way to quick heat a tasty morsel for a nearly instantaneous meal.  The following is a quick guide to your standard microwave on "hi temp" setting and its minute by minute effect on your reheated food:

-one minute: food is still a frozen block of ice, reminiscent of something chipped out of Siberian tundra.
-two minutes: food still frozen, but now in a slushy state...akin to a snow cone served up during a Fresno afternoon in July, or, and perhaps more accurately, similar to the interior chamber of Mitch McConnell's reptilian heart.
-three minutes:'s now (almost) defrosted.
-four minutes: you could eat this, but it's 30 degrees lower than the ambient room temperature, and somewhat gag inducing.
-five minutes: coolish. Food is now warmed to a tepid 64.27 degrees Fahrenheit.  You COULD eat this...but only if you're truly desperate.
-five minutes and one second: holy christ, is that a plate of magma in there?  Did my burrito just achieve nuclear fusion and turn itself into a self sustaining plasma reaction?  This thing is hotter than Satan's butthole and putting it into my mouth (the burrito, not Satan's butthole.  BTW, Satan's butthole is a theoretical temperature often used in physics circles to describe high heat values along the Planck scale) would not only induce a third degree burn from the surface of my tongue all the way down to my lower colon, but would, in all probability, cause me to self combust in a puff of pure oxidized carbon.  The remnants of the burrito would then fall to the ground, it's radiating heat still not exhausted, and burrow its way to the earth's core in a China Syndrome type scenario.

Unfortunately, there is no five minutes and one half second time setting on microwaves, and the preceding examples are all that a modern microwave is capable of achieving in food preparation.  So, my advice to you, is just choke down that gag inducing 64.27 degree burrito, and save yourself from the ruinous experience of the last thing your mind comprehends as you explode in a cloud of carbonized particles is a hole opening up in the earth's crust, and the contents of the earth's molten core exploding across the continent in a sea of molten nickel, iron, rare earth elements, and left over beans, cheese, rice and carne asada.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

iPhones, stone age philosophers, and Cloverfield

You know how people like to quote scripture as a means of addressing a problem or offering advice? While there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, I generally have one thought that immediately jumps to the forefront of my cranium when this happens: "That's great, and thank you for that. Now, have you got any other ideas or thoughts to share...or at least ones that were created sometime after the invention of the light bulb?"*

*Sometimes it's hard to reconcile sage words from an individual who lived in a stone hut and carved their ideas on clay tablets when all I want is a point of view on whether or not a new iPhone is worth it, or if the new Godzilla movie is, or isn't, a Cloverfield rip-off**.

**Of course Cloverfield is a rip off of a multitude of films (primarily Japanese monster

disaster movies and found footage style films a la Blair Witch) but it was brilliantly done, had a unique

feel, and was highly entertaining. Right up there with Alien in my monster movies top ten (John

Carpenter's The Thing is another). However, I must say I WOULD be impressed if a millenniums old

cave dweller had something to say about the iPhone: "Yea verily, I say unto you, the 5S is the way,

and the light (specifically the light in the form of extended battery life sayeth The Lord. Amen)".