Another sign of getting older: a short article on the "MTV Movie Awards" with corresponding photos of the "stars" in attendance. I recognize 2 of 20. Who are these people??? Then your teenaged daughter goes on to explain to you who the 18 are who you didn't recognize. I have officially become my parents. I figure it's only a matter of time before I start being confounded by current technology and confuse the TV remote for a mobile phone and attempt to place a call with it, and then curse the lousy reception and service coverage.
Showing posts with label technology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label technology. Show all posts
Monday, April 14, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
The true value of modern technology
64K processing power. One floppy drive. $2100 in 1985, or, in todays dollars, over $4000. It's computing power was 250,000 times LESS than a new MacBook Pro from today. Think about that. Can you just IMAGINE the patience an internet porn addict would have to have with that kind of computing power? "OK. Midgets in Spandex Who've Gone Bad and Need a Spanking, part IX...directed by Alan Smithee. Let's see...and click save. Alrighty, now, what can I do until this is completely downloaded? Oh yeah...finish grad-school AND repaint the garage." Thank you modern technology for making life easier for pervs with ADHD...and people who like "lol-cats" and "fail videos" (which are folks who are really two sides of the same coin).
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
The Phase Changes of Microwavable Items
A microwave is an interesting thing, and, of course, a handy way to quick heat a tasty morsel for a nearly instantaneous meal. The following is a quick guide to your standard microwave on "hi temp" setting and its minute by minute effect on your reheated food:
-one minute: food is still a frozen block of ice, reminiscent of something chipped out of Siberian tundra.
-two minutes: food still frozen, but now in a slushy state...akin to a snow cone served up during a Fresno afternoon in July, or, and perhaps more accurately, similar to the interior chamber of Mitch McConnell's reptilian heart.
-three minutes: congrats...it's now (almost) defrosted.
-four minutes: you could eat this, but it's 30 degrees lower than the ambient room temperature, and somewhat gag inducing.
-five minutes: coolish. Food is now warmed to a tepid 64.27 degrees Fahrenheit. You COULD eat this...but only if you're truly desperate.
-five minutes and one second: holy christ, is that a plate of magma in there? Did my burrito just achieve nuclear fusion and turn itself into a self sustaining plasma reaction? This thing is hotter than Satan's butthole and putting it into my mouth (the burrito, not Satan's butthole. BTW, Satan's butthole is a theoretical temperature often used in physics circles to describe high heat values along the Planck scale) would not only induce a third degree burn from the surface of my tongue all the way down to my lower colon, but would, in all probability, cause me to self combust in a puff of pure oxidized carbon. The remnants of the burrito would then fall to the ground, it's radiating heat still not exhausted, and burrow its way to the earth's core in a China Syndrome type scenario.
Unfortunately, there is no five minutes and one half second time setting on microwaves, and the preceding examples are all that a modern microwave is capable of achieving in food preparation. So, my advice to you, is just choke down that gag inducing 64.27 degree burrito, and save yourself from the ruinous experience of the last thing your mind comprehends as you explode in a cloud of carbonized particles is a hole opening up in the earth's crust, and the contents of the earth's molten core exploding across the continent in a sea of molten nickel, iron, rare earth elements, and left over beans, cheese, rice and carne asada.
-one minute: food is still a frozen block of ice, reminiscent of something chipped out of Siberian tundra.
-two minutes: food still frozen, but now in a slushy state...akin to a snow cone served up during a Fresno afternoon in July, or, and perhaps more accurately, similar to the interior chamber of Mitch McConnell's reptilian heart.
-three minutes: congrats...it's now (almost) defrosted.
-four minutes: you could eat this, but it's 30 degrees lower than the ambient room temperature, and somewhat gag inducing.
-five minutes: coolish. Food is now warmed to a tepid 64.27 degrees Fahrenheit. You COULD eat this...but only if you're truly desperate.
-five minutes and one second: holy christ, is that a plate of magma in there? Did my burrito just achieve nuclear fusion and turn itself into a self sustaining plasma reaction? This thing is hotter than Satan's butthole and putting it into my mouth (the burrito, not Satan's butthole. BTW, Satan's butthole is a theoretical temperature often used in physics circles to describe high heat values along the Planck scale) would not only induce a third degree burn from the surface of my tongue all the way down to my lower colon, but would, in all probability, cause me to self combust in a puff of pure oxidized carbon. The remnants of the burrito would then fall to the ground, it's radiating heat still not exhausted, and burrow its way to the earth's core in a China Syndrome type scenario.
Unfortunately, there is no five minutes and one half second time setting on microwaves, and the preceding examples are all that a modern microwave is capable of achieving in food preparation. So, my advice to you, is just choke down that gag inducing 64.27 degree burrito, and save yourself from the ruinous experience of the last thing your mind comprehends as you explode in a cloud of carbonized particles is a hole opening up in the earth's crust, and the contents of the earth's molten core exploding across the continent in a sea of molten nickel, iron, rare earth elements, and left over beans, cheese, rice and carne asada.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Cutting Edge Ancient Technology
Perhaps some of you have seen a theme in some of my postings here, and that theme is I want a new car. The reason why I want a new car is because I drive an eight year old Toyota Tundra pickup. It's a fine truck, paid for, and runs great. But it is eight years old, and has some of the eight year old related minor issues, like this one: the tape player (for those of you over thirty, don't laugh. For those of you under thirty, a "tape player", pronounced TAY-PUH PLAY-ERR, was a neolithic device carved from stone using hand tooled devices. A piece of magnetized tape would run over a piece of smooth metal that read the magnetic impulses and turned these into electrical impulses that recreated sound. It was invented in 1492 AD by Leonardo DaVinci, when his previous invention, the 8-track, didn't take off, and he was struggling to complete the Mona Lisa while listening to Steely Dan albums) doesn't really work anymore. You put in a tape, and it sounds like Lindsay Lohan doing a mountain of crystal while arm wrestling a constipated baboon. In other words, it's noisy...oh, and no music comes out either, which is, of course, a problem as well, and kind of the whole purpose of the TAY-PUH PLAY-ERR. Oh, and as soon as you put a tape in the player, it immediately ejects it anyways (much like if you stuck a donut in Kate Moss' mouth)...making everything kinda moot. But John, doesn't your truck have a CD player? Yes, it does...but it has a few minor issues as well, and a CD player doesn't get me my tunes out of my iPod.
So, as you can see, my cassette tape adapter is a no-go for my iPod in order for me to enjoy all the wonderful tuneage in my car. But John! There's this wonderful device called an "FM transmitter" for your iPod that allows you to listen to your iPod over your vehicles FM radio. Really? Awesome. So I bought one.
First issues first. The instructions stated the following: "Just go ahead and tune your stereo to a frequency that is all static, and preferably an area on the radio that has three static frequencies in a row; then choose the middle frequency in order to avoid bleed over from another frequency." OK! Can do! Turn on car stereo aaaaand, one click at a time up we go up EVERY FREQUENCY on the dial, and trust me, that's a lot of fucking frequencies. Know how many static frequencies I find? Three. Know how many were in a row? None. Know what I did find? About 10 channels for classic rock hits, R and B/hip hop, and hard rock, and about 90 channels of the "good time gospel Christian your going to hell you filthy sinning whore hour' and Spanish language stations. In fact, the Spanish stations may have been preaching the same message because I thought I had heard the words "Diablo", "Christos", "puta" and "Dio" (and the "Dio" I think they were talking about wasn't Ronnie James Dio). Then again, I heard the word "cerveza", giggling women, and polka music too...so perhaps they were just telling off-color jokes at an over the air party. I dunno. Anyways, needless to say there was no "bleed over" safe zones due to California's need to either hear the Eagles YET AGAIN, be shunned and reminded we're going to hell, or get our drink on with Rodrigo and Raul (I think they were the dj's). There were, by the way, two perfectly dead and staticky frequencies at the very beginning of the dial right next to each other...I think it was 87.7 and 87.9 FM. Know what the lowest frequency the FM transmitter would go to? Yep. 88.1 FM. Sigh. Although this wasn't an Apple product, I still think Steve Jobs is somehow responsible.
So I find the best of the "non bleed over-ish" frequencies and give the old FM transmitter a go. And.......hmmmm....is it on? Yep. Ooooohhhhhkaaaaaay...read instructions: "Be sure iPod device is turned up to at LEAST 75% of total volume." Huh. Well, it's over 50%, but ok. Turn it up and I hear something tinny like a small child talking over a soup can tied to a string. Crank it up to 100% and there's good old Rob Dickinson, who normally has a powerhouse of a voice, sounding like....shit. I've had better reception in a tunnel, and better audio quality from a Speak and Spell (for those of you under 30...never mind). So what does the "FM" in the FM transmitter stand for? Faulty Merchandise? Feeble Machine? FUCKING MADDENING? Meh....needless to say, it's going back...and I'll just break the law and wear ear buds in the mean time.
So, there you go...another reason why I need a new luxury car...for the MP3 player connectivity. That alone would be worth the $600 a month car payment.
So, as you can see, my cassette tape adapter is a no-go for my iPod in order for me to enjoy all the wonderful tuneage in my car. But John! There's this wonderful device called an "FM transmitter" for your iPod that allows you to listen to your iPod over your vehicles FM radio. Really? Awesome. So I bought one.
First issues first. The instructions stated the following: "Just go ahead and tune your stereo to a frequency that is all static, and preferably an area on the radio that has three static frequencies in a row; then choose the middle frequency in order to avoid bleed over from another frequency." OK! Can do! Turn on car stereo aaaaand, one click at a time up we go up EVERY FREQUENCY on the dial, and trust me, that's a lot of fucking frequencies. Know how many static frequencies I find? Three. Know how many were in a row? None. Know what I did find? About 10 channels for classic rock hits, R and B/hip hop, and hard rock, and about 90 channels of the "good time gospel Christian your going to hell you filthy sinning whore hour' and Spanish language stations. In fact, the Spanish stations may have been preaching the same message because I thought I had heard the words "Diablo", "Christos", "puta" and "Dio" (and the "Dio" I think they were talking about wasn't Ronnie James Dio). Then again, I heard the word "cerveza", giggling women, and polka music too...so perhaps they were just telling off-color jokes at an over the air party. I dunno. Anyways, needless to say there was no "bleed over" safe zones due to California's need to either hear the Eagles YET AGAIN, be shunned and reminded we're going to hell, or get our drink on with Rodrigo and Raul (I think they were the dj's). There were, by the way, two perfectly dead and staticky frequencies at the very beginning of the dial right next to each other...I think it was 87.7 and 87.9 FM. Know what the lowest frequency the FM transmitter would go to? Yep. 88.1 FM. Sigh. Although this wasn't an Apple product, I still think Steve Jobs is somehow responsible.
So I find the best of the "non bleed over-ish" frequencies and give the old FM transmitter a go. And.......hmmmm....is it on? Yep. Ooooohhhhhkaaaaaay...read instructions: "Be sure iPod device is turned up to at LEAST 75% of total volume." Huh. Well, it's over 50%, but ok. Turn it up and I hear something tinny like a small child talking over a soup can tied to a string. Crank it up to 100% and there's good old Rob Dickinson, who normally has a powerhouse of a voice, sounding like....shit. I've had better reception in a tunnel, and better audio quality from a Speak and Spell (for those of you under 30...never mind). So what does the "FM" in the FM transmitter stand for? Faulty Merchandise? Feeble Machine? FUCKING MADDENING? Meh....needless to say, it's going back...and I'll just break the law and wear ear buds in the mean time.
So, there you go...another reason why I need a new luxury car...for the MP3 player connectivity. That alone would be worth the $600 a month car payment.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Can You Hear Me Now?
Lately I have been driving up and down Northern California. A lot. Naturally, as I do this, I occasionally talk on the phone…if for no other reason than to keep me entertained as I log mile after mile. Interesting thing about today’s “modern digital technology” is this: it’s shit. Apparently, driving by a foothill 13ft above sea level is enough to kill a phone call. Hell, I think a blade of grass just a wee bit too close to the roadway can make a call drop…or two mosquito’s screwing mid-air and flying through the signal path would do it as well. Why is it we can control a robot on the face of fucking Mars 50,000,000 miles away without much trouble at all, but a consistent cell phone call from I-5 near Tracy is like getting a woman to admit she’s wrong (i.e. damned near impossible). Why don’t the cell carriers just piggyback their signal onto a Mexican language radio station? Because God knows those evil bastions of drunken polka music come in clear as a bell even if your car was driving behind Mt.-fucking- Everest.
Anyway, I have a theory, and it’s predicated on the typical human being a complete and total gullible dumbass…so I have a hunch it’s probably correct. It goes something like this: the new ”digital” mobile phone technology is a scam. It doesn’t exist. If I understand things right, the theoretical beauty of a digital signal is that its signal strength shouldn’t matter…unlike the old cell technology. In other words, since digital is just a binary language that’s interpreted by a microchip, how strong the signal is shouldn’t matter. Either the information is there to be understood and relayed, or it’s not, no matter how strong or weak. So, a signal at 1 percent should work just like a signal at 100 percent, since either way the information is there to be interpreted. Now, the old “cell” technology very much depended on signal strength and that’s why calls would fade in and out, and be staticky, and all that nonsense. But you know what? I get a lot of that with the new technology. In fact, a lot of my calls go like this:“Can you hear me? No? How about now? I can hear you just fine…can you hear me? Wait…ok, now I can’t hear you…do you hear me? Ok, you can’t hear me now? I still hear you. Hello? Hello? Ok, there you are…wait…you’re staticky…no, I don’t take fish oil. Oh…you ditched the foil! Got it. Yeah…that self sealing plastic wrap is pretty cool. Hello? Hello?”
Anyway, most of my conversations contain a version of this dialogue about 75 percent of the time…and yes, I have discussed plastic wrap on the phone f.y.i. In fact, I think that's why new "smart" phones have so many features on them now (and yes, I have one too), because they want to distract you with bright lights and gimmicky bullshit to get you to forget the fact that the phone call quality STILL SUCKS ASS. But I digress. I think our new phone technology is just the same old technology we’ve always had, it’s just that the corporate robber barons renamed and repackaged it as a ruse to charge us more for the same old crapola service we’ve always had. And because it’s labeled “digital”, which sounds hella sexy, we practically come in our pants to cut them that check…because we’re stupid. This renaming the same turd sandwich we’re always forced to eat by marketing fuckwads is nothing new, and it’s been around for, well, forever. Snake oil salesman for lack of a better explanation. As a matter of fact, if you ever see the words “New”, “Premium”, “New and Improved”, “Exclusive”, “Ultra”, and yes,”Digital”, you can be pretty sure you’re getting screwed…and just like getting screwed, it’s always gonna cost ‘ya eventually…BIG TIME (you know…either financially, or in another little piece of your soul being destroyed). Can you hear me now?
Anyway, I have a theory, and it’s predicated on the typical human being a complete and total gullible dumbass…so I have a hunch it’s probably correct. It goes something like this: the new ”digital” mobile phone technology is a scam. It doesn’t exist. If I understand things right, the theoretical beauty of a digital signal is that its signal strength shouldn’t matter…unlike the old cell technology. In other words, since digital is just a binary language that’s interpreted by a microchip, how strong the signal is shouldn’t matter. Either the information is there to be understood and relayed, or it’s not, no matter how strong or weak. So, a signal at 1 percent should work just like a signal at 100 percent, since either way the information is there to be interpreted. Now, the old “cell” technology very much depended on signal strength and that’s why calls would fade in and out, and be staticky, and all that nonsense. But you know what? I get a lot of that with the new technology. In fact, a lot of my calls go like this:“Can you hear me? No? How about now? I can hear you just fine…can you hear me? Wait…ok, now I can’t hear you…do you hear me? Ok, you can’t hear me now? I still hear you. Hello? Hello? Ok, there you are…wait…you’re staticky…no, I don’t take fish oil. Oh…you ditched the foil! Got it. Yeah…that self sealing plastic wrap is pretty cool. Hello? Hello?”
Anyway, most of my conversations contain a version of this dialogue about 75 percent of the time…and yes, I have discussed plastic wrap on the phone f.y.i. In fact, I think that's why new "smart" phones have so many features on them now (and yes, I have one too), because they want to distract you with bright lights and gimmicky bullshit to get you to forget the fact that the phone call quality STILL SUCKS ASS. But I digress. I think our new phone technology is just the same old technology we’ve always had, it’s just that the corporate robber barons renamed and repackaged it as a ruse to charge us more for the same old crapola service we’ve always had. And because it’s labeled “digital”, which sounds hella sexy, we practically come in our pants to cut them that check…because we’re stupid. This renaming the same turd sandwich we’re always forced to eat by marketing fuckwads is nothing new, and it’s been around for, well, forever. Snake oil salesman for lack of a better explanation. As a matter of fact, if you ever see the words “New”, “Premium”, “New and Improved”, “Exclusive”, “Ultra”, and yes,”Digital”, you can be pretty sure you’re getting screwed…and just like getting screwed, it’s always gonna cost ‘ya eventually…BIG TIME (you know…either financially, or in another little piece of your soul being destroyed). Can you hear me now?
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