Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Have Superpowers

Today I realized something truly amazing about myself. I have superpowers. And what is this amazing ability of mine, you may or may not be asking yourself? The amazing ability is this: I can make the wind blow. I can do this without fail and whenever I want. Want to know how I manifest this amazing ability? By simply cleaning my pool, spa, and backyard decking. That's right...I came about my superpowers without having to go through the discomfort of being exposed to gamma radiation, toxic waste, or a painful spider bite (from what I can tell these are the preferred methods of developing superpowers).

I exercised this power again this weekend. I had my backyard looking like a photo shoot out of Sunset magazine. The very next day? I woke up to the dynamic sound of wind whistling through the trees...and my pool, spa, and deck looking like the Okechobee swamp. This is, like, the third weekend in a row. Now, granted, this superpower isn't as cool as, say, superhuman strength. Or the ability to turn invisible. Or the ability to fly...or even x-ray vision. And, to be honest, I can't muster the ability to summon a hurricane or tornado that you could really do some serious shit with. No, I can only summon the kind of wind that shakes leaves and branches and dust loose from trees and blows it all into the backyards of others. So I'm not sure what actual hero/villan application this power has. I mean, I could make an outdoor wedding a bit of a pain in the know, blow over table settings, mess up the brides hair, or maybe blow a bridesmaids skirt up and give everybody a shot of her thong...or maybe even kick up the allergy factor with all the crap blowing around and make everybody sneeze and itch. Yeah. That would suck. Well, kinda suck. Anyways, that would be the extent of the villainy I could wreak upon the land. If I were to use my powers for good, I guess I could make a child's day by mustering up some really cool kite flying conditions, or maybe a good day of sailing on the lake...maybe even windsurfing. But that's about it. Like I said, these (less than) awesome powers have limited applications. So, there it is. All I need now is an appropriate costume. I was thinking maybe a green set of tights covered in dusty pollen with bits of leaves and branches and other debris hanging off of it. The symbol upon my chest would be a sparkling, crystal clear pool inside a red circle with a slash through it. Think there's a spot for me in the next X-Men movie?

1 comment:

  1. We need to get together and be called ... "The Weathermen"... that needed some kind of overture tune and that guy with a voice that disturbs whales off Nove Scotia to say it... :-)

    Why? Because I to have a super power... I can make it rain! All I have to do is wash the car, get the lawnmower out, simply think the letters BBQ, look at ribs in the supermarket, started to dig out the garden furniture from the garage... etc. It is an amazing skill. 9am - bright blue sky, not a breath of wind, no clouds. 9:30am - me with bucket and sponge in hand, sky now a leaden grey verging on black as I desparately try to rinse the shampoo off the car which gets difficult as the raindrops make it tricky to figure where I started or stopped... :-)