So I learned a few things at a Phycho Billy show at Audie's Olympic tonight, and I thought I'd share them with you:
-if people are drunk enough, they WILL drink a pitcher of beer with chunks of vomit floating in it. Yes, it actually happened. Needless to say, I have NEVER been that drunk.
-people like to express their rebellious individuality by looking EXACTLY like everybody within their peer group. I like to call it 'collective community individualism.'
-apparently, unknown to me, the chest tattoo has really taken off with women. Yes, thats right, it's not just for parolees anymore. Now, I don't mean some cutesy flower or heart tattooed near your breast that is hidden by your bra, but I'm talking about a huge mosaic that extends to your collar bone. Huh...You know, as a guy, I have to ask, 'When did breasts stop being enough? When did breasts start requiring 'flair'? It would seem to me on the old visual chart, boobs used to be right up there. In fact, they were easily top three in anybody's book. But now, apparently todays mindset is: "Yeah, nice tits, but you know, kinda tired, dontcha think? If you could work in some sort of gothic mural in there, that would be fabulous. Really gives the old tired titty look real pizazz!" Have we become so jaded, so blase, so numb as a society that good old fashioned luscious breasts no longer does it for us? And now we've got to dress them up to register on our radar? Sigh...I weep for the new generation.
-judging by the amount of times I was bumped into tonight, fat people REALLY HAVE NO CLUE how much space their girth actually takes up. I felt like I was stuck in the hippo pen at the zoo.
-judging by the recent bombardment of penis enlargement ads, we are entering into some sort of penis arms race. Let me explain...Let's say all the teeny weenied guys out there get a hold of some miracle product that gives them a porn star penis. Then what? Well, the guys who were originally ahead of the game are not going to like the others catching up to them and are going to up the ante and have themselves enhanced, because they want to stay ahead of the crowd. And so on. But where does it end? This penis proliferation will eventually lead to a world of men with minimum 18" cocks with no practical application. So the women will have to get vaginal extension surgery to accommodate the new world order of guys with trouser anacondas, and the whole thing will just spiral out of control. Eventually we'll be a race of men who cannot stand up right due to the added weight in the crotch area, and the women will have the Grand Canyon for a vagina. Its not a pretty sight. Literally. Think about it. So folks, just chill out and just be happy your plumbing works...and if it doesn't...well, ok, kill yourself.
-my neighbors tree has extended so far over the fence line it's almost touching my house. For some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. It would bother me less if he just walked over to the fence and hung his dick over it. Because then, at the very least, it would tell me he was thinking and conscious of what he was doing. But this tree thing is clearly not on his radar, and he clearly doesn't give two shits. I think it's this natural manifestation of selfishness and narcissism that annoys me, because they are two of the qualities I find most repugnant in people. I'm contemplating my next move: either kindly ask him to trim his tree, or I'll just do it myself...by setting his entire back yard on fire. Both options have their pluses and minuses.
-OK, bed time.
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