I watch a lot of late night tv. I am up all night when the world is asleep (example, I went for a jog last night at 230 am. I'm wondering if the neighbors think I have a meth addiction. "Look at that tweeker running around the lake at 230 in the morning...tsk tsk...its sad what drugs can do to a man...why doesn't his family get him into rehab?"), so there isn't much to do other than watch tv (occasionally, when I'm feeling really rambunctious, I'll do a load of laundry). If you haven't watched any late night tv lately, you're missing out. Rather than programming interrupted by commercials, it's actually commercials interrupted by programming. And the commercials are priceless. Its non stop dick remedies, all the time. Just ooooooone penis drug after another. Make it harder, bigger, help you pee, increase your urine flow (REALLY??? I thought that's what beer was for?), get your herpes under control, etc etc. Good lord, when did the nation stop obsessing about tits and ass and start focusing on the dangler? Anywhoo, one of these snake oil (Ha! Get it? "Snake"? Right...moving on...) commercials is for a product called Extenze. To cut to the chase, it's supposed to make your dick bigger. Whatever. But here's the priceless part. It's called "maximum" strength Extenze. Maximum strength? Really? Is there a minimum strength? You know, a pill for the guy who feels "Yeah, I've got a nice trouser snake, but you know, another 1/16 of an inch might be nice. I don't want to go all John Holmes, but a little extra so the pants fit right...and that's why I use minimum strength Extenze. When a little is more than enough." It's as if that "maximum strength" label is there to assure the customer "Sir, you're in good hands now. This pill is the most potent dick enlarger out there. It's MAXIMUM STRENGTH, and normally, we wouldn't allow it on humans, as it's only been tested on orangutans, and the first guy who tried it had his balls blow off, but dammit, we're going to fix-your-dick. You deserve nothing less! Or, in this case...um, you know...more. So say goodbye to that third thumb and hello third leg!!!"
Anyway, enough with the constant barrage of Johnson talk. Can't we go back to the tasteless advertising we're all used to? You know, the good God fearing commercials featuring the feminine hygiene products soaked in some mysterious blue fluid?
Showing posts with label penis enlargement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label penis enlargement. Show all posts
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Collective Community Individuality and Penis Proliferation
So I learned a few things at a Phycho Billy show at Audie's Olympic tonight, and I thought I'd share them with you:
-if people are drunk enough, they WILL drink a pitcher of beer with chunks of vomit floating in it. Yes, it actually happened. Needless to say, I have NEVER been that drunk.
-people like to express their rebellious individuality by looking EXACTLY like everybody within their peer group. I like to call it 'collective community individualism.'
-apparently, unknown to me, the chest tattoo has really taken off with women. Yes, thats right, it's not just for parolees anymore. Now, I don't mean some cutesy flower or heart tattooed near your breast that is hidden by your bra, but I'm talking about a huge mosaic that extends to your collar bone. Huh...You know, as a guy, I have to ask, 'When did breasts stop being enough? When did breasts start requiring 'flair'? It would seem to me on the old visual chart, boobs used to be right up there. In fact, they were easily top three in anybody's book. But now, apparently todays mindset is: "Yeah, nice tits, but you know, kinda tired, dontcha think? If you could work in some sort of gothic mural in there, that would be fabulous. Really gives the old tired titty look real pizazz!" Have we become so jaded, so blase, so numb as a society that good old fashioned luscious breasts no longer does it for us? And now we've got to dress them up to register on our radar? Sigh...I weep for the new generation.
-judging by the amount of times I was bumped into tonight, fat people REALLY HAVE NO CLUE how much space their girth actually takes up. I felt like I was stuck in the hippo pen at the zoo.
Other Thoughts:
-judging by the recent bombardment of penis enlargement ads, we are entering into some sort of penis arms race. Let me explain...Let's say all the teeny weenied guys out there get a hold of some miracle product that gives them a porn star penis. Then what? Well, the guys who were originally ahead of the game are not going to like the others catching up to them and are going to up the ante and have themselves enhanced, because they want to stay ahead of the crowd. And so on. But where does it end? This penis proliferation will eventually lead to a world of men with minimum 18" cocks with no practical application. So the women will have to get vaginal extension surgery to accommodate the new world order of guys with trouser anacondas, and the whole thing will just spiral out of control. Eventually we'll be a race of men who cannot stand up right due to the added weight in the crotch area, and the women will have the Grand Canyon for a vagina. Its not a pretty sight. Literally. Think about it. So folks, just chill out and just be happy your plumbing works...and if it doesn't...well, ok, kill yourself.
-my neighbors tree has extended so far over the fence line it's almost touching my house. For some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. It would bother me less if he just walked over to the fence and hung his dick over it. Because then, at the very least, it would tell me he was thinking and conscious of what he was doing. But this tree thing is clearly not on his radar, and he clearly doesn't give two shits. I think it's this natural manifestation of selfishness and narcissism that annoys me, because they are two of the qualities I find most repugnant in people. I'm contemplating my next move: either kindly ask him to trim his tree, or I'll just do it myself...by setting his entire back yard on fire. Both options have their pluses and minuses.
-OK, bed time.
-if people are drunk enough, they WILL drink a pitcher of beer with chunks of vomit floating in it. Yes, it actually happened. Needless to say, I have NEVER been that drunk.
-people like to express their rebellious individuality by looking EXACTLY like everybody within their peer group. I like to call it 'collective community individualism.'
-apparently, unknown to me, the chest tattoo has really taken off with women. Yes, thats right, it's not just for parolees anymore. Now, I don't mean some cutesy flower or heart tattooed near your breast that is hidden by your bra, but I'm talking about a huge mosaic that extends to your collar bone. Huh...You know, as a guy, I have to ask, 'When did breasts stop being enough? When did breasts start requiring 'flair'? It would seem to me on the old visual chart, boobs used to be right up there. In fact, they were easily top three in anybody's book. But now, apparently todays mindset is: "Yeah, nice tits, but you know, kinda tired, dontcha think? If you could work in some sort of gothic mural in there, that would be fabulous. Really gives the old tired titty look real pizazz!" Have we become so jaded, so blase, so numb as a society that good old fashioned luscious breasts no longer does it for us? And now we've got to dress them up to register on our radar? Sigh...I weep for the new generation.
-judging by the amount of times I was bumped into tonight, fat people REALLY HAVE NO CLUE how much space their girth actually takes up. I felt like I was stuck in the hippo pen at the zoo.
Other Thoughts:
-judging by the recent bombardment of penis enlargement ads, we are entering into some sort of penis arms race. Let me explain...Let's say all the teeny weenied guys out there get a hold of some miracle product that gives them a porn star penis. Then what? Well, the guys who were originally ahead of the game are not going to like the others catching up to them and are going to up the ante and have themselves enhanced, because they want to stay ahead of the crowd. And so on. But where does it end? This penis proliferation will eventually lead to a world of men with minimum 18" cocks with no practical application. So the women will have to get vaginal extension surgery to accommodate the new world order of guys with trouser anacondas, and the whole thing will just spiral out of control. Eventually we'll be a race of men who cannot stand up right due to the added weight in the crotch area, and the women will have the Grand Canyon for a vagina. Its not a pretty sight. Literally. Think about it. So folks, just chill out and just be happy your plumbing works...and if it doesn't...well, ok, kill yourself.
-my neighbors tree has extended so far over the fence line it's almost touching my house. For some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. It would bother me less if he just walked over to the fence and hung his dick over it. Because then, at the very least, it would tell me he was thinking and conscious of what he was doing. But this tree thing is clearly not on his radar, and he clearly doesn't give two shits. I think it's this natural manifestation of selfishness and narcissism that annoys me, because they are two of the qualities I find most repugnant in people. I'm contemplating my next move: either kindly ask him to trim his tree, or I'll just do it myself...by setting his entire back yard on fire. Both options have their pluses and minuses.
-OK, bed time.
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