*I have no factual basis for the size of either.
Showing posts with label pills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pills. Show all posts
Friday, April 26, 2013
Huge Pills: A Yetis's dick or King King's Fang? (and "the clap")
Got some antibiotics for a sinus/upper-respiratory infection I had...and they are these HUGE horse pills. I mean...HUGE (Like a Yeti's dick? King Kong's fang? I dunno...you get the idea*). Anyways, two a day X2 a day. Seems excessive. Makes me wonder if the pharmacy accidentally switched my prescription with somebody who has the clap...not that, you know, I'd know what those kind of pills looked like or anything...just sayin'.
*I have no factual basis for the size of either.
*I have no factual basis for the size of either.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Kai the hitchhiker and other odds and ends...
So, in case you were not aware, I live in Fresno, CA. I have lived all over the state, and within two years, I expect to be moving again (as soon as the youngest is out of school...the reasons will be stated down below), but for now, here I reside. I say this because the most amazing story ever told happened to occur right here in my home town. It involves an ax wielding hitchhiker named Kai, a homicidal, racist, would be murderer with delusions of being the Son of God, a melee between a giant of a man and two women, and a motor vehicle used as an attempted murder weapon. Here, explaining it all much better than I ever could, is Stephen Colbert:
(Also, the link in case video doesn't play:
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/423566/february-05-2013/california-s-heroic-hitchhiker)
All I can say here is simply this: I am now tempted to pick up hitchhikers as I drive around the Valley, for who knows what adventures they may bring with their vagabond ways? Of course, I'm going to skip the part about imagining I'm Jesus, as I don't have the time to grow a beard, and let's be honest, nobody likes a martyr.
So, what else is going on with me you certainly have NOT wondered? Allergies. I know what you're thinking..."a little runny nose, a sneeze...I thought you said you couldn't stomach martyrs? Quit your whining." Well, yes, if that's all it was, I would agree. But, for me, it is something quite different. It is allergies on steroids, HGH, deer antler spray, and whatever the fuck Lance Armstrong injected into his (one ball only) nut-sack all those years. And what sort of symptoms could these sort of allergies bring on? Well...bouts of hives that last for weeks...and intestinal pain and vomiting that lasts for hours on end. "What? Intestinal pain and vomiting? Surely that cannot be right..." Well, it CAN happen, does happen, and I had no idea either. There's a thing called an intestinal angioedema that can occur (it's rare...lucky me) that is inflammation of the intestinal tract as a result of an allergic reaction. Basically, the hives and inflammation that can occur externally, can also occur internally to your intestines. It results in EXCRUCIATING pain and, if I do say so myself, rather spectacular, world class, non-stop vomiting. This happened to me four different times over the last eight months before it was properly diagnosed. Several trips to the ER, an upper GI procedure, an ultrasound, etc. etc. Finally, a diagnosis. It's essentially an auto-immune disorder, but it can be dealt with and somewhat controlled. The secret is to take what would appear to be a toxic level of antihistamines. My last attack I drank half a bottle of liquid Benadryl and poof....stomach pain subsided (unfortunately, the hives are rather more stubborn). Anyways, apparently, genetically, I'm allergic to just about everything, and my hyper-vigilant immune system has a tendency to go haywire. Upside is that people with this condition tend to have very low rates of certain cancers because the out of control immune response also attacks precancerous cells, so there is a mild upside (silver linings and all that). And, other than the unfortunate side effects of this disorder, I rarely get sick. So now to go with my asthma inhalers, acid reflux pills, weekly allergy shots, steroid nasal sprays, and nasal irrigation regimin, I'm now taking a combination of daily antihistamine pills. I have so many meds, I feel like the old man with the Monday through Friday pill box who spends all his free time socializing at the pharmacy (I'm there so often the pharmacists all know me personally now). This condition is also the reason I'll be moving in the future (as I mentioned above), as the Valley is the absolute WORST place you can live if you have allergies of any sort. I had that skin prick test done...the one where they stick your back with dozens of needles filled with allergens...and the result was I'm allergic to every substance found in the Central Valley. Actual conversation I had with my allergist: Me-"So, doc, what am I allergic to?" Doctor-"Everything". Another actual quote from my doctor: "Holy cow...you produce A LOT of histamine." What was disconcerting about this is that it was uttered by an ALLERGIST, who deals on a daily basis with people with allergies...and he was STILL IMPRESSED. Anyways, he jokingly said "Have you considered moving?" and I'm thinking something coastal and further north of my current location would be beneficial for my general well being (not to mention culturally, aesthetically, and politically more in line with my general world view as well).
So, it's been months since I've felt "normal", but I'm finally getting back to somewhat feeling like my old self (whatever that means), and am now able to get back to the gym (I was in seriously good shape until all this derailed me...so now begins the arduous task of reclaiming that level of fitness). The upside to all of this misery is I think it's good for my music as my last composition (see previous post), turned out really well and is one of, it not my absolute, favorites (and now you know why I called it "Histamine"...it's the substance my body produces waaaaaaay too much of and the root of my issues. See? Every song has a story).
Namaste.
(Also, the link in case video doesn't play:
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/423566/february-05-2013/california-s-heroic-hitchhiker)
All I can say here is simply this: I am now tempted to pick up hitchhikers as I drive around the Valley, for who knows what adventures they may bring with their vagabond ways? Of course, I'm going to skip the part about imagining I'm Jesus, as I don't have the time to grow a beard, and let's be honest, nobody likes a martyr.
So, what else is going on with me you certainly have NOT wondered? Allergies. I know what you're thinking..."a little runny nose, a sneeze...I thought you said you couldn't stomach martyrs? Quit your whining." Well, yes, if that's all it was, I would agree. But, for me, it is something quite different. It is allergies on steroids, HGH, deer antler spray, and whatever the fuck Lance Armstrong injected into his (one ball only) nut-sack all those years. And what sort of symptoms could these sort of allergies bring on? Well...bouts of hives that last for weeks...and intestinal pain and vomiting that lasts for hours on end. "What? Intestinal pain and vomiting? Surely that cannot be right..." Well, it CAN happen, does happen, and I had no idea either. There's a thing called an intestinal angioedema that can occur (it's rare...lucky me) that is inflammation of the intestinal tract as a result of an allergic reaction. Basically, the hives and inflammation that can occur externally, can also occur internally to your intestines. It results in EXCRUCIATING pain and, if I do say so myself, rather spectacular, world class, non-stop vomiting. This happened to me four different times over the last eight months before it was properly diagnosed. Several trips to the ER, an upper GI procedure, an ultrasound, etc. etc. Finally, a diagnosis. It's essentially an auto-immune disorder, but it can be dealt with and somewhat controlled. The secret is to take what would appear to be a toxic level of antihistamines. My last attack I drank half a bottle of liquid Benadryl and poof....stomach pain subsided (unfortunately, the hives are rather more stubborn). Anyways, apparently, genetically, I'm allergic to just about everything, and my hyper-vigilant immune system has a tendency to go haywire. Upside is that people with this condition tend to have very low rates of certain cancers because the out of control immune response also attacks precancerous cells, so there is a mild upside (silver linings and all that). And, other than the unfortunate side effects of this disorder, I rarely get sick. So now to go with my asthma inhalers, acid reflux pills, weekly allergy shots, steroid nasal sprays, and nasal irrigation regimin, I'm now taking a combination of daily antihistamine pills. I have so many meds, I feel like the old man with the Monday through Friday pill box who spends all his free time socializing at the pharmacy (I'm there so often the pharmacists all know me personally now). This condition is also the reason I'll be moving in the future (as I mentioned above), as the Valley is the absolute WORST place you can live if you have allergies of any sort. I had that skin prick test done...the one where they stick your back with dozens of needles filled with allergens...and the result was I'm allergic to every substance found in the Central Valley. Actual conversation I had with my allergist: Me-"So, doc, what am I allergic to?" Doctor-"Everything". Another actual quote from my doctor: "Holy cow...you produce A LOT of histamine." What was disconcerting about this is that it was uttered by an ALLERGIST, who deals on a daily basis with people with allergies...and he was STILL IMPRESSED. Anyways, he jokingly said "Have you considered moving?" and I'm thinking something coastal and further north of my current location would be beneficial for my general well being (not to mention culturally, aesthetically, and politically more in line with my general world view as well).
So, it's been months since I've felt "normal", but I'm finally getting back to somewhat feeling like my old self (whatever that means), and am now able to get back to the gym (I was in seriously good shape until all this derailed me...so now begins the arduous task of reclaiming that level of fitness). The upside to all of this misery is I think it's good for my music as my last composition (see previous post), turned out really well and is one of, it not my absolute, favorites (and now you know why I called it "Histamine"...it's the substance my body produces waaaaaaay too much of and the root of my issues. See? Every song has a story).
Namaste.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sooo....lets type something...
I watch a lot of late night tv. I am up all night when the world is asleep (example, I went for a jog last night at 230 am. I'm wondering if the neighbors think I have a meth addiction. "Look at that tweeker running around the lake at 230 in the morning...tsk tsk...its sad what drugs can do to a man...why doesn't his family get him into rehab?"), so there isn't much to do other than watch tv (occasionally, when I'm feeling really rambunctious, I'll do a load of laundry). If you haven't watched any late night tv lately, you're missing out. Rather than programming interrupted by commercials, it's actually commercials interrupted by programming. And the commercials are priceless. Its non stop dick remedies, all the time. Just ooooooone penis drug after another. Make it harder, bigger, help you pee, increase your urine flow (REALLY??? I thought that's what beer was for?), get your herpes under control, etc etc. Good lord, when did the nation stop obsessing about tits and ass and start focusing on the dangler? Anywhoo, one of these snake oil (Ha! Get it? "Snake"? Right...moving on...) commercials is for a product called Extenze. To cut to the chase, it's supposed to make your dick bigger. Whatever. But here's the priceless part. It's called "maximum" strength Extenze. Maximum strength? Really? Is there a minimum strength? You know, a pill for the guy who feels "Yeah, I've got a nice trouser snake, but you know, another 1/16 of an inch might be nice. I don't want to go all John Holmes, but a little extra so the pants fit right...and that's why I use minimum strength Extenze. When a little is more than enough." It's as if that "maximum strength" label is there to assure the customer "Sir, you're in good hands now. This pill is the most potent dick enlarger out there. It's MAXIMUM STRENGTH, and normally, we wouldn't allow it on humans, as it's only been tested on orangutans, and the first guy who tried it had his balls blow off, but dammit, we're going to fix-your-dick. You deserve nothing less! Or, in this case...um, you know...more. So say goodbye to that third thumb and hello third leg!!!"
Anyway, enough with the constant barrage of Johnson talk. Can't we go back to the tasteless advertising we're all used to? You know, the good God fearing commercials featuring the feminine hygiene products soaked in some mysterious blue fluid?
Anyway, enough with the constant barrage of Johnson talk. Can't we go back to the tasteless advertising we're all used to? You know, the good God fearing commercials featuring the feminine hygiene products soaked in some mysterious blue fluid?
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