All the worlds a douche bag...

I used to have this idea that douche bags were few and far between, and the ones that existed were easily spotted. For me, the obvious douche bag was that Ivy League educated, east coast, blue blooded investment banker with a squash racquet up his ass. The pin striped dickhead who votes for Jesus with one hand as he steals the coins out of your pocket with the other. You know, THAT GUY. And he (and she) is. A douche bag that is. But while watching TV the other night (not right now mind you, because my TV is in the shop...I had no idea how empty my life was without my 46 inch HDTV until it was gone...kind of like that lover you didn't appreciate until they were no longer around. Then again, we ARE talking about my TV here...and while human interaction is nice, it doesn't bring me 200+ channels of useless entertainment ranging from shows about the wonders of the cosmos to a screen full of full frontal nudity with little or no plot line. In fact, I propose a theory I'll call the "entertainment inverse nudity sqaure law" ((or EINSL)) which goes something like this: the higher the content of nakedness in any form of video entertainment, the logic/reality/probability behind the plot line is reduced by its square root. This explains why nobody you know has ever received a BJ from a nurse while in the hospital, despite what the Playboy Channel would have us believe. But I digress...) I realized that douche bags are everywhere.

I was watching this live music thing with Katy Perry. I know, "Why in the hell were you watching that drivel?" Well, I used to think she was kinda hot. I don't know anything about her music, or her as a person. I had just seen pictures of her, and she had this retro thing going on and I thought "kinda hot". So, whilst channel surfing, I caught her in an "unplugged performance" and watched it for about five minutes. Talk about a buzz kill. Have you ever really looked at artsy fartsy people and thought "you're trying too hard...and coming across as kind of a douche bag." Well, while watching Katy and her band, that was my reaction. Her bassist wore his hair in a manner that stated "I just rolled out of bed and didn't have time to comb it I was in such a hurry", but upon further inspection you could see the gel and styling in it that ACTUALLY stated "It took me three hours with a stylist to get my hair to look like I just rolled out of bed and couldn't bother combing it". Douche bag poseur. Another was tatted up to the point of ridiculousness. Now, tats are fine. I know lots of people with them, and cannot remember the last woman I've met who didn't at least have one (no joke...I can't remember when). But a tattoo, in my opinion, should mean something other that TRYING to look cool. This guy was trying to look all menacing and hard core. Menacing? Hard core? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a musician for KATY PERRY of "I Kissed A Girl" and "You're So Gay" fame for Christs sake!!! The "hardest core" thing you deal with is whether your hotel room stocked your Evian spring water as you requested as opposed to, horror of horrors and god forbid, something non-imported. At the very least, your tattoo should mean something important to you, but when you have thirty-six tattoos, I'm thinking you've exceeded what's considered "special" and are now just a raging douche bag poseur. And Katy herself was trying to come across as funny and deep, but just sounded like yet another self absorbed tart obsessed with her own celebrity....DOUCHE BAG.

So, what did I take away from this? What I took away from it was that douche bags are not limited to our rich and powerful people of influence. That was me being a closed minded....well, douche bag...for being such a class hating dweeb. Douche bags are all over, and are also thick in the so called arts and culture scene (which, had I thought about it for two seconds, is a real "no duh" idea). Point being I guess is rather simple...appreciate the non-douche bags in your life. They are to be cherished, because the douche bags of the world are multiplying across all social strata at an alarming rate, and soon, will completely take over the earth. I fear not the coming Apocalypse, or Muslim/religious fundamentalists, or high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, and carbs. No, none of these keep me up at night. It's the ever increasing prevalence of the raging, narcissistic, self absorbed, douche bag that worries me.

A Vision of the Apocalypse

I've seen the end of the world and it goes something like this: narcissism and self absorption has become so epidemic in modern society that I can see a day very soon where the world is crumbling, people will be rioting in the streets for food, all disease has become resistant to all known medicines, corporations will have enslaved the remaining few who have any stamina or health for labor, and as all this rages around, people will still tightly clutch a salvaged piece of razor sharp broken mirrored glass in their bleeding (yet oblivious to their wound) hand and hold it up to their face and ask: How does my hair look?

Hugh Hefner Is Ruining Fast Food Drinking Straws

OK, not really, but I'm going to feature him, well, his dick anyways, prominently in my rather off color analogy.

As part of my never ending quest to prove there isn’t ANYTHING I can’t have an issue with, I am now going to bitch about fast food drinking straws. More specifically, I am going to bitch about how they’re packaged. But first, a little history…

Remember how back in the day a plastic straw was a robust thing, not easily mutilated, and if a person had some sort of oral fixation, they could chew on it for hours. Additionally, they were packaged in their wrapper kind of loosely, and you could bang one end on the counter thus popping the other end out of the paper wrapper…and then blow into the open end and launch a paper missile into the face at the person sitting across from you (yes, there’s more penis allusions on the way..stay with me…). It was, simply put, good times. Now, let’s fast forward to today, shall we?

The straw of today is a sad little thing. If you were to chew on it, it falls apart. You accidentally bend it, it splits and breaks thus making suction (he heh...I said "suction") impossible. And if you bang it too hard, it folds in half. That’s right, the modern drinking straw is just like Hugh Hefner’s dick. Once proud and mighty…but now weak, bendy and ineffectual. But I digress…my real complaint is the wrapper.

The paper wrapper seems to be made from leftover material from the ass gasket manufacturers of America. It’s that super thin shit that if it gets a drop of moisture on it, it instantaneously begins to disintegrate. Dreaming of ripping off the paper with your teeth? Well, go for it my friend…but only if you like the feeling of a giant spit wad stuck to your front teeth. Splash a little soda on it, and it adheres to the straw like it was painted on, as if the little spit wads that will form if you don’t get it all off before you put it in your soda will somehow add to the drinking experience. Um…it doesn’t by the way. But the most infuriating thing? It’s how goddamn tight that wrapper is ON THE STRAW.

The wrapper on the straw now is like a fucking condom, except why are we trying to protect our soda from the straw (or vice versa). I’m reasonably sure neither has the clap or herpes (however, that Coke looked kind of slutty! Ha! Get it? It was a “Coke whore”! hahaha…No? Fine. Anyways…). Even if you’re willing to deal with the bits of ass gasket in your teeth (forget just ripping it off the end with your fingers…they took out all the slack…ain’t gonna happen) and you magically get that one end open, there is no chance of a vigorous missile launch (Again, another Hef’s dick analogy. Thank you). You can blow it like you’re trying to land an acting job, but you’re just wasting your time, it ain’t coming off. It’s just too tight. My question is this: Why?

Why did they change the wrapper? Did the fun police come by and see much too much mirth and merriment was being had by 11 yr. olds with their straws in burger restaurants? Did the woman sue McDonald’s for an eye injury shortly after her cooch healed from her hot coffee drive through spillage incident (or was that why she spilled her coffee? Paper missile right in the old orbital)? Or is there a giant conspiracy from the ass gasket manufacturers of America to pawn off their product on an unsuspecting populace?

To tell you the truth, I truly do not know…other than this is yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse, and I plan to have ring side seats to watch it as the world continues to fall apart…albeit with bits of ass gasket in my teeth (hey man, gotta have a soda when watching the Apocalypse ringside, right?).