Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hugh Hefner Is Ruining Fast Food Drinking Straws

OK, not really, but I'm going to feature him, well, his dick anyways, prominently in my rather off color analogy.

As part of my never ending quest to prove there isn’t ANYTHING I can’t have an issue with, I am now going to bitch about fast food drinking straws. More specifically, I am going to bitch about how they’re packaged. But first, a little history…

Remember how back in the day a plastic straw was a robust thing, not easily mutilated, and if a person had some sort of oral fixation, they could chew on it for hours. Additionally, they were packaged in their wrapper kind of loosely, and you could bang one end on the counter thus popping the other end out of the paper wrapper…and then blow into the open end and launch a paper missile into the face at the person sitting across from you (yes, there’s more penis allusions on the way..stay with me…). It was, simply put, good times. Now, let’s fast forward to today, shall we?

The straw of today is a sad little thing. If you were to chew on it, it falls apart. You accidentally bend it, it splits and breaks thus making suction (he heh...I said "suction") impossible. And if you bang it too hard, it folds in half. That’s right, the modern drinking straw is just like Hugh Hefner’s dick. Once proud and mighty…but now weak, bendy and ineffectual. But I digress…my real complaint is the wrapper.

The paper wrapper seems to be made from leftover material from the ass gasket manufacturers of America. It’s that super thin shit that if it gets a drop of moisture on it, it instantaneously begins to disintegrate. Dreaming of ripping off the paper with your teeth? Well, go for it my friend…but only if you like the feeling of a giant spit wad stuck to your front teeth. Splash a little soda on it, and it adheres to the straw like it was painted on, as if the little spit wads that will form if you don’t get it all off before you put it in your soda will somehow add to the drinking experience. Um…it doesn’t by the way. But the most infuriating thing? It’s how goddamn tight that wrapper is ON THE STRAW.

The wrapper on the straw now is like a fucking condom, except why are we trying to protect our soda from the straw (or vice versa). I’m reasonably sure neither has the clap or herpes (however, that Coke looked kind of slutty! Ha! Get it? It was a “Coke whore”! hahaha…No? Fine. Anyways…). Even if you’re willing to deal with the bits of ass gasket in your teeth (forget just ripping it off the end with your fingers…they took out all the slack…ain’t gonna happen) and you magically get that one end open, there is no chance of a vigorous missile launch (Again, another Hef’s dick analogy. Thank you). You can blow it like you’re trying to land an acting job, but you’re just wasting your time, it ain’t coming off. It’s just too tight. My question is this: Why?

Why did they change the wrapper? Did the fun police come by and see much too much mirth and merriment was being had by 11 yr. olds with their straws in burger restaurants? Did the woman sue McDonald’s for an eye injury shortly after her cooch healed from her hot coffee drive through spillage incident (or was that why she spilled her coffee? Paper missile right in the old orbital)? Or is there a giant conspiracy from the ass gasket manufacturers of America to pawn off their product on an unsuspecting populace?

To tell you the truth, I truly do not know…other than this is yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse, and I plan to have ring side seats to watch it as the world continues to fall apart…albeit with bits of ass gasket in my teeth (hey man, gotta have a soda when watching the Apocalypse ringside, right?).

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