There's easier ways to torment a child...

So, apparently, making the rounds on the internet is a story about a guy who, after being annoyed by a child behind him at a fast food restaurant, bought all of the pies the establishment had in order to teach the young lad a lesson (bottom of this post is the link to the story if you'd like to read it). You see, apparently the young child was throwing a fit about wanting a pie, and our hero of the story felt it was a rock star move of epic, almost Hellenistic proportions, to buy them all up prior to the child getting his tantrum indulged. Personally, I felt the gentleman who shared this story got it all wrong. A far more economical way to get a lesson across to the young child, i.e. the one I would have employed, would be this:

I would have calmly turned around, and explained to the child in terms he/she could understand, that all living things, including them, must and will die. It is the inevitable end result of our creation and the source of our ever present existential angst. And, lest he/she thinks they are guaranteed a long happy existence, further explained the mere act of crossing the street can result in your immediate and untimely demise, provided some unexpected horrible disease doesn't get you first. Oh, and then I'd throw in the fact that Santa Claus isn't real, and how their birth destroyed their mother's dreams and ambitions.

See? If one wants to be an epic asshole, and, in a twist of irony, be a far more petulant child than the one you're attempting to give the "what for", it doesn't have to cost you the out of pocket expense of a multitude of miniature pies. 

The article:

http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/dont-buy-all-the-pies-at-burger-king-to-spite-a-child-1617620956/+AlbertBurneko

Facebook wants to know "what's on your mind?"

I just noticed the little tag line on the (Facebook) status bar states "What's on your mind?" Really? Does Facebook really want to know? Is there enough space for me to share "what's on my mind?" Are you sure? I mean, where do I start?

"I need to get my daughter's car smogged...there's a patch of lawn to the side of my house that's not looking too good...I've been eating a bit too much junk food lately...the stock market has been awfully hot, you just know it's going to implode any day now...I'm not sleeping like I used too, what's that about...I need to make my annual eye exam appointment...I have an air filter for my car I bought two weeks ago, but I have yet to install it (need to take the five minutes and do it)...I'm on vacation right now but all I want to do is basically sleep, which seems a waste...there's a new show on H2 debuting on the 25th about aliens, and I'm inappropriately excited about it...I'd like to write another song, but at the moment I feel creatively bankrupt...I'm not reading like I should, and I love to read (what's up with that?)...etc."


That was about a 3 nanosecond glimpse into "what's on my mind." Somehow, I'm thinking Facebook had something else in mind, and really, who wants to read that claptrap? Perhaps they should rewrite it to say "Share something interesting...a witticism...an entertaining anecdote...a video of a cat playing a piano...but for the love of god, please, whatever you do, stay away from anything even remotely resembling the drudgery and reality of human existence. This is the internet. Keep it light or keep it to yourself. People are here to escape and snoop. Quit bumming them out. Now, where's those damn cat videos???" I think that would be more appropriate.

So, with that in mind, here 'ya go (Facebook approved as appropriate internet content):

Torangey

Kumquat: funniest fruit word everybody knows, and yet, is not quite sure what it looks, or tastes like.
(Side note: just looked it up. It's description does NOT live up to its name. It's basically a small, tangy orange. I think "torangey" is a better, more appropriate name that doesn't build up such lofty expectations. I hear "kumquat", and I'm expecting a life changing experience, 'ya know? Let's get on this. Somebody find me the address of the Kumquat Growers of America.  #torangey

The self-aggrandizing kumquat:

New Song: Red Sunset, Green Flash (updated May 18, 2014)

Tried to write a "happy song" (I used a major key and everything), but, like most of my stuff, it turned out to have a wistful quality. I guess a leopard cannot change his spots. This is an amalgamation of everything I like: jingle jangle, endless layers of guitars (I think I melted my CPU...), strings, and even a semi-groovy section (hey, bass is my primary thang). All my influences are here: The Church, U2, and even a little Andy Rourke bass...and some Lush too. This also has some soaring orchestral qualities, and I think the bridge is rather pretty. Mixed to be played loud, and please, use headphones!

(So, after repeated listenings I heard some things I wanted to change: decay rates of some guitars, try and fix a right side bias, added a small additional guitar track, changed eq parameters, etc. This is probably about as close to what I had imagined as I am going to get. If I keep fiddling with it, I'll screw it up. Anyways, like I said, my attempt at a "happy song" in a major key (G for those curious), with some strings, chiming guitars, and a fun little bass line in the chorus)

Furthermore, it's all about the mix, amiright???? Anyways, can't sing, so instrumental as always. But, loads o' guitars, synths, and looped percussion all created by my little hands and cranium. As usual, with as much emotion as I can infuse. Btw, look up a red sunset-green flash if you're not familiar...

Yep, I'm in my forties...

Another sign of getting older: a short article on the "MTV Movie Awards" with corresponding photos of the "stars" in attendance.  I recognize 2 of 20. Who are these people???  Then your teenaged daughter goes on to explain to you who the 18 are who you didn't recognize.  I have officially become my parents.  I figure it's only a matter of time before I start being confounded by current technology and confuse the TV remote for a mobile phone and attempt to place a call with it, and then curse the lousy reception and service coverage.

The Apple Corporation, Einstein, and time dilation

According to the theories of relativity and associated time dilation, "time" can be seen to move at different speeds due to the differing reference frames of the observers.  It's just one of the freaky effects of Einstein's ideas about space-time.  Another freaky effect of time appearing to move unusually slowly is due to the Apple Corporation.  They claim the download for their latest iPhone update takes "16 minutes", when in fact it takes about 42 years. Conclusion?  The Apple servers are obviously located on a rocket ship approaching the speed of light, hence the disparity in times.  Seems like a reasonable assumption.

First World Problems

So, as I occasionally do, I decided it was high time for that first pool/spa cleaning of the year.  It was an unusually warm early Spring day (sunny and 80 degrees), and since the pool/spa was suffering from winter neglect, I figured today was the perfect day.  First thing I was going to do was vacuum out the spa.  However, this presents a problem because only after I've started my chore in earnest do I suddenly remember the vacuum head is broken.  What to do?  All is lost, right?  Well, if you have duct (often popularly called "duck") tape, the situation is never dire ("If you can't duck it, fuck it"), and nearly any crisis can be resolved.  Duct tape cures a great many ills...and this was no different.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you "the ghetto pool vacuum system".  Rejoice in its splendor and beauty!

Also, since we're talking pool maintenance, what's with the cryptic instructions with pool equipment? "Zodiac G3 pool sweep starting and stopping?  Possible solution: realign the Ferguson valve next to the parabolic hyphenator, and make sure the grommance chamber is aligned at a 22 degree angle with the satellite fed electron beam.  Once synchronized with the lunar cycle, chant to Poseidon the incantation of clean waters and hop on one foot.  Test for leaky protons, and immerse molybdenum o-ring with ground unicorn horn and pixie dust.  If that doesn't work, smack it with the hammer of Thor, but only after ensuring electron beam is now aligned at 24.3 degrees off center." 

Anyways, pool was all sparkly clean when I got through with it yesterday (duct tape did its job for the spa portion), which pretty much guaranteed that today the temperature would drop 20 degrees with a gale force wind and a storm on the way.  My pool now, once again (thank you neighbors with untrimmed trees), currently looks like the Okeechobee swamp.  Better check for 'gators and rednecks.  Time to set the traps with deer carcasses and Pabst Blue Ribbon (equally effective for both 'gators AND rednecks) and see what bites.* 


*Not my first lamentation about my ability to bring on foul weather by the mere act of cleaning my pool.  See "I have superpowers" blog from 2009.