Parking Lot Etiquette, Assholes, and Hair Gel

So, a few weeks ago I had my head up my ass.  It happens to the best of us.  Know what separates us from the animals?  Our ability to ADMIT the occasions when we have our head up our ass.  Those that CANNOT admit this, therefore, are complete assholes (ok, "asshole" is not an animal per se, or not even a "per se" actually, but this is the most appropriate word for the situation, and I refuse to go back and re-write my introductory statement.  Moving on...).  Those that cannot forgive those of us who can admit when we had our head up our ass are even bigger assholes (think blue whale sphincter...rhino anus*...Godzilla's dark star**...etc), at least, in my opinion, that is.  So, with these declarations in place, here's my short, cautionary story about assholes and proper parking lot etiquette:

I was driving in my local supermarket/strip mall parking lot at a breakneck speed of about 7 MPH.  As I approached an intersection within the parking lot, I was simultaneously fucking with my stereo, dialing a phone number, and reaching in my back seat for my wallet.  In other words, admittedly, not being real attentive.  A gentleman, and by gentleman, I mean hair gelled*** prick in a BMW, had already entered the intersection, and therefore had the right of way.  Me, due to having my head up my ass, did not see him and rolled into the intersection.  I looked up, and due to my whopping speed of 7 MPH, was able to stop my car about 15 FT. from his car.  It wouldn't even warrant calling it a close call. Calling it a close call would be like calling sex with your ex a good idea****.  In other words, it's not (it wasn't? Whatever).  So, because I adhere to proper parking lot etiquette, even though this wasn't a close call, or anything remotely perilous, I did the mea culpa with the hand and facial (heh heh...I said "facial") gestures that intimated "Sorry.  I had my head up my ass...and yes, I find this embarrassing.  Please proceed good sir."  Now, the proper response to my top notch display of etiquette would be a smile and a friendly nod that says, "Hey, no worries...we all have our moments of head up assedness...and thank you for recognizing yours like a true mensch."  And then we would both proceed on our way, thinking human beings aren't really all that bad a bunch after all.  But no.  This is not the case.  Human beings, of course, do suck.  Mightily.  So, Mr. Dippitty Doo here has to pile it on.  It's not enough that I've acknowledged my breach of safety procedures.  Oh no.  Porcupine head here has to give the wild "WTF???" shoulder shrugs and "Pull your head out your ass!" hand gestures to, you know, really hammer the point home.  But, do you want to know what really happens here?  There's no further lesson learned on my part.  NONE.  AT ALL.  His tough love is getting him NOWHERE in my lessons learned department.  Know what lesson he IS in danger of learning?  This one: that what his wild gesticulations DO inspire in me is not additional shame, but rather I pretty much shift into a red mist of rage, and have to use every neuron within my body to stop my brain from causing my foot to mash on the gas pedal, and launching my front bumper into a smoking tire beeline right into his drivers side door in the hope that not only can I see his eyeballs explode out of his skull in a geyser of blood and gray matter, and maybe, if I can find the free time in my schedule, also attend his funeral to hear the lamentations of his loved ones*****.  Because at this moment, that sounds like a really great time to me.  Naturally, this doesn't happen as the neurons win out in restraining me, and Mr. 10w30 hair job continues, obliviously, on his way in a self righteous cloud, not knowing I just let him live out the rest of his overly crunchy headed days in hair gelled, douchey peace.******

Anyways, point being, when somebody admits to their mistake, be gracious enough to accept it...for the love of god.

*Rhino Anus: if this isn't an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac  it should be.
**Godzilla's dark star: wasn't that the 2nd track off of Radiohead's 3rd album?
***Hair gelled prick: hair gel is the blue pinstripe business suit of the prick world.
****Sex with your ex: bad idea.  Unless they're good in bed.  And hot.  And kinda dirty. And you crave a little drama.  Then go for it.  Jesus Christ...figure it out for yourself...what am I?  Miss Manners???  For fuck's sake grow a pair and make a bad decision once in a while.
*****Vehicular manslaughter: this is of course used as hyperbole.  Juicy, delicious, amazing hyperbole.
******Live out the rest of his days in douchey peace: unless of course I change my mind, follow him home, and call in a precision drone strike.  Apparently you can get a drone strike ordered anywhere nowadays.

   

Parking Lot Physics

Whilst returning a pair of slippers at my neighborhood shopping complex and driving through the parking lot, I came up with a new theory regarding the laws of physics that dictate movements within the traffic lanes of the parking lot. I know what you are thinking, "But John! The laws of physics are immutable and apply everywhere within the known Universe!" Um, no...they don't. Parking lots are like the interior of a black hole...the laws of physics, and the math that explains physics, break down. Let me explain:

Simple geometry, as well as your basic gravitational pull, dictate that the natural order of things is to move in a direct path, unless that thing is influenced by another thing. To simplify, let's say people walking across a parking lot are attempting to access a building, say, for instance, Macy's. This crude graph will illustrate what the known principles of physics (coupled with the lust for a post-Christmas sale item) say their direction of travel SHOULD look like (the asterisks are the pedestrians in this diagram):

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X@@ TRAFFIC LANE BETWEEN PARKING STALLS AND MACYS @@@@X X@@@@@@@@@@@@ BUILDING @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
MACYS@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@PARKINGSTALLS X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X***********************************************************************X
X@@@(pedestrians taking logical, direct path, i.e. 'straight line' )@@@@@@X
X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OK, again, that is what it SHOULD have looked like according to the known laws of the Universe. However, since there is a new law of the physical Universe that controls the movements of pedestrians within shopping center parking lots, their actual path of travel looked like this:


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X@@@ TRAFFIC LANE BETWEEN PARKING STALLS AND MACYS@@ X
X @@@@@@@@@@@ BUILDING @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X@@@@@*@@@@@@@@*@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ X
MACYS@*@*@@@@@@*@*@@@@*@@@@@@@@*@@@@@@@@PARKINGSTALLS
X@@@*@@*@@@@@*@@*@@@*@*@@@@@@*@*@@@@@@@*X X@@*@@@@**@@@*@@@*****@@@*@@@@*@@@*@@@@@*@X
X@@*@@@@@@*@@*@@@@@@@@@@*@@*@@@@@*@@@*@X
X@*@@@@@@@@***@@@@@@@@@@@*@*@@@@@@***@*@@X
X*@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@@@@@@@@@*@@X
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Through the magical properties of this new law, a walk of about fifty feet can be stretched into a half-mile journey. I'm calling this new law 'Human Universal Ambling' or 'H.U.A.' for short. Another name for this could be 'Active Sauntering Slowly While Involving Product Exchange' or 'A.S.S.W.I.P.E.' for short. We'll call it the Total ASSWIPE effect of parking lots or the HUA parking lot phenomena. And today, I had a magnificent display of it as I sat in my idling vehicle while people, under the direct combined influence of 'HUA' and being an 'ASSWIPE', took 15 minutes to cross the parking lot vehicle lane as I burned precious gasoline and fouled the atmosphere with my non-moving vehicles noxious fumes as I waited for them to pass by (yes, yes, I momentarily fantasized about mashing the gas pedal and wedging their twisted, bleeding bodies under my tires and radiator, but my employer, and society as a whole, frowns on vehicular homicide. There 'ya go...the 'man' sucking the fun out of everything...as usual).

Anyways, I have no idea what can be done about this, as any universal law, like gravity, cannot be overcome...just like death, taxes, and herpes.