Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Parking Lot Physics

Whilst returning a pair of slippers at my neighborhood shopping complex and driving through the parking lot, I came up with a new theory regarding the laws of physics that dictate movements within the traffic lanes of the parking lot. I know what you are thinking, "But John! The laws of physics are immutable and apply everywhere within the known Universe!" Um, no...they don't. Parking lots are like the interior of a black hole...the laws of physics, and the math that explains physics, break down. Let me explain:

Simple geometry, as well as your basic gravitational pull, dictate that the natural order of things is to move in a direct path, unless that thing is influenced by another thing. To simplify, let's say people walking across a parking lot are attempting to access a building, say, for instance, Macy's. This crude graph will illustrate what the known principles of physics (coupled with the lust for a post-Christmas sale item) say their direction of travel SHOULD look like (the asterisks are the pedestrians in this diagram):

X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X@@ TRAFFIC LANE BETWEEN PARKING STALLS AND MACYS @@@@X X@@@@@@@@@@@@ BUILDING @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
MACYS@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@PARKINGSTALLS X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X***********************************************************************X
X@@@(pedestrians taking logical, direct path, i.e. 'straight line' )@@@@@@X

OK, again, that is what it SHOULD have looked like according to the known laws of the Universe. However, since there is a new law of the physical Universe that controls the movements of pedestrians within shopping center parking lots, their actual path of travel looked like this:

X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X
X @@@@@@@@@@@ BUILDING @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ X
X @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@X X@@@@@*@@@@@@@@*@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ X
X@@@*@@*@@@@@*@@*@@@*@*@@@@@@*@*@@@@@@@*X X@@*@@@@**@@@*@@@*****@@@*@@@@*@@@*@@@@@*@X

Through the magical properties of this new law, a walk of about fifty feet can be stretched into a half-mile journey. I'm calling this new law 'Human Universal Ambling' or 'H.U.A.' for short. Another name for this could be 'Active Sauntering Slowly While Involving Product Exchange' or 'A.S.S.W.I.P.E.' for short. We'll call it the Total ASSWIPE effect of parking lots or the HUA parking lot phenomena. And today, I had a magnificent display of it as I sat in my idling vehicle while people, under the direct combined influence of 'HUA' and being an 'ASSWIPE', took 15 minutes to cross the parking lot vehicle lane as I burned precious gasoline and fouled the atmosphere with my non-moving vehicles noxious fumes as I waited for them to pass by (yes, yes, I momentarily fantasized about mashing the gas pedal and wedging their twisted, bleeding bodies under my tires and radiator, but my employer, and society as a whole, frowns on vehicular homicide. There 'ya go...the 'man' sucking the fun out of usual).

Anyways, I have no idea what can be done about this, as any universal law, like gravity, cannot be overcome...just like death, taxes, and herpes.

1 comment:

  1. That is so funny.

    I'm learning to not get into this way of thinking it does your head in