Thursday, September 27, 2012

Random Bitch Session

RANDOM Photobucket BITCH Photobucket SESSION Photobucket (sometimes pictures add a little spice to the diatribe to follow)

 Quick rants:

-if you're at the gym, and you look like you're hiding a children's wading pool under your belt, good for you. I'm all for self improvement. However, if you're hoarding the leg press machine all to yourself for forty-five minutes, your efforts are misplaced. Also, you're a selfish fuckwad. The 50 pounds extra of gelatinous goo you're carrying is not really being addressed by your pumping the quads. You may want to think cardio...and let somebody else use the machine. It's not a plate of nachos. You can share.

 -unfortunately, I live in the conservative capitol of the cosmos. And the gym mentioned above is all FauxFox News, all the time. So, being subjected to this Goebbels like propaganda somewhat against my will, I have a question: when in the fuck is Rush Limbaugh going to do us a favor and have that massive myocardial infarction we're all waiting for? The guy is seriously angry/stressed/hypertensive, fat and a drug addict. I mean, it's the holy trinity of imminent heart explosion. And yet, there he is, like a rolly-polly Fascist Santa Claus yammering away about...I dunno...I really wasn't listening. Something about Obama sodomizing a goat while reading the Koran to jihadists and threatening to make Medicare solvent? Anyways, the way he was sweating and spitting, I thought to myself, "Oh, fuck yes, this guy is going to full on aneurism (or heart attack...whatever. I'm good either way) right here on tv and I'm going to get to see it. Holy I getting a boner? I think I am! Come on Rush...let's see that aorta burst you goose stepping fuck!!!!" Needless to say, he didn't, so the boner never really materialized. can dream.

 -I'm sick of reading blogs about people and their artsy craftsy shit. I'm glad you made a hat pin out of some cellophane and bottle tops..but...yawn. 'Ya know? Entertain me. Be provocative. Nobody's on the internet for Martha Stewart. We want Two Girls One Cup (confession: I've never seen it and really have no desire to...just seemed like an obvious reference to make my point), Fail videos, porn, Fry memes, sports scores, and helpful hints on local eateries and watering holes (I realize "eatery" and "watering hole" also sound like porn, but I wasn't trying to be funny...just came out that way. Ha! I said "came". It's like I'm the Nipsy Russell (look him up) of the keyboard). So, um, yeah...if you're going to blog...don't suck.

-hipsters. Yeah. I've had it with them. I've been accused of harboring a bit of hipster within, and I suppose anybody who plays musical instruments and writes/records music is probably guilty of this to a point. But...come on. Enough with the beards. I've never seen so many (apparently) aspiring Forest Service Personnel...or Fleetwood Mac holdovers from the 70's.  Also, your choice of music, the bands nobody has ever heard of and I suspect, deep down, even you hipster guys/gals don't even actually REMOTELY ENJOY. Just because they incorporate a glockenspiel, banjo, and Sousaphone into the song doesn't make it makes it (usually) stupid and/or silly. Quit trying so hard. Cheap beer tastes like shit, vintage clothing generally has a hint of B.O. perma bonded to it you can never really get rid of, and WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH WEARING A WOOL BEANIE IN 95 DEGREE WEATHER YOU RETARD??? I could go on, but you all know what I'm talking about...and if you are one...knock it off and find your true self through some form of expression other than expressing your individuality by dressing like, and listening to the same music, as EVERYBODY within your peer/social circle. Expand your horizons. Trust me, it's OK to admit Session Lager (kinda my fave) tastes better than PBR (note: I have drank many a PBR in my day, but not because it was "cool" and "ironic", but because it was CHEAP and I was POOR. If this is your situation, then by all means, enjoy). When you can admit your obsession to strictly adhering to all things your peers and the local hipster neighborhood you live in have pre-determined as cool has, in fact, turned you into a narrow minded, myopic, douche bag...then the healing can truly begin.

 -Willtard Willard Shit Mitt Robme Romney...this guy strikes me as a serious sociopath. If they find some sort of weird sex/torture dungeon underneath his garage full of Cadillacs (perhaps this is why he's remodeling his La Jolla home?) I will not be surprised. That, and I secretly suspect despite his magic underwear-planet-inheriting-misogynistic Mormon belief system, the guy probably enjoys about 15 cups of coffee a day. I mean, this guy is wound so tight, is so manic, he practically vibrates.  I think he could weld a breach in a ships hull with the crazy beams firing out of his eyes. The fact that close to 50% of this country may wind up voting for him is not only sad frightening, but a pretty good indication that the end of the Pax Americana is near.

-I had more...but I ran out of steam as I realized I really could go for some cookies right about now, and lost my train of thought ( ADD?  Perhaps...). So...cheers and all that.

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