Sunday, September 16, 2012

Let them eat lobster! And melon balls!

OK, I know it may seem like I'm going off on a grocery store themed jag here (see last post), but, yes, I have another bitch about my local Save Mart. Here was my daughter's birthday party today (15th), and she wanted me to make a lemon glazed pound/bundt cake that I've made before and she loves (from scratch...yes, I can get around a kitchen decently). So off to the grocery store I go to get a few items and I realize I do not have a zester. No problem...I'll just go over to the kitchen utensil aisle and grab one (needed some lemon fresh zest for the recipe). Soooooo....let's see.....ahhhhhh....hmmmmm...peelers...strainers...knives....garlic press......bottle openers...pastry cutters...whisks...cork screws...ladles...graters....aaaaaaaaand no zesters. Not one. Zero. NADA. Know what else they DID HAVE? Melon ballers and...fucking lobster crackers. LOBSTER CRACKERS. Really? "What? You want to grate a little fresh citrus peel into a dish from a 0.35 cent lemon? What are you? An aristocrat??? A fucking Rockefeller????? A goddamn zester??????? Get the fuck out of my store you bourgeoise pig!!!!!! Now go home and eat your $45.00 a pound lobster like the rest of us proletariat peons! Don't you know there's a recession for the love of Christ? Zester he says....too proud to eat lobster apparently. Citrus....pheh. Everybody knows little balls scooped from a Honeydew is where the blue collar working Joe butters his bread. Lobster and melon's what made this country great!!!! You can take your citrus peeled snobbery back to your cave you Al Queda fuck!!!!" Funny thing is, I'm not even sure the grocery store that had the lobster cracker even had lobster FOR SALE.

OK...what I'm trying to illustrate here is the absurdity that a utensil made for eating lobster, a prohibitively expensive dish, is somehow more common, and easier to obtain, than a simple citrus zester. Furthermore, how many dishes ask for lobster as an ingredient as opposed to some zested citrus? I'm sure it has to be an amazingly high similar to the proportion of Republicans at a Lilith Fair festival (too obscure?). And a melon baller? I've never, in my 43 years, EVER had the need for one. Ever. Actually, I'm not even sure what a ball of melon would be required FOR (and, as an aside, doesn't "melon baller" sound like a play-ah? I picture a casaba with a gold chain, sipping Cristal, and macking ((does anybody even use that term anymore?)) the cantaloupes). A melon ball also sounds like a medical condition. "Sorry sir, but the tests reveal you have a melon ball." "Yeah...when it turned green I figured something was up. Plus, when I thumped it, it sounded it wasn't the highest of quality."

OK, so I'm watching Saturday Night Live and laughed at a sketch with puppets, and lost my train of thought. Um.....nope. It's gone. So, I'll end with this: had Teppanyaki tonight for daughters birthday dinner out, and somebody spilled some sort of sauce all over my shirt. That sucked. Food was really good though...

No comments:

Post a Comment