I need a public relations spokesperson

I've decided, like all celebrities and/or famous/rich people, I need a PR person to spin things for me. Example: they can explain to my boss via press release that I wasn't "late for work", I was actually "focusing my energies elsewhere" and being "tangentially productive" (I'm copyrighting "tangentially productive" btw). They'll have a limited budget to work with however, and they'll be paid with canned soup and newspaper coupons. So it's really more of an entry level position*, but you gotta start somewhere.

*Note: I refrained from making a juvenile joke/double entendre about "entry level position." You don't know how hard it was.**

**Note on the note: I again refrained, and refused to run wild with "how hard it was". As you can see, my discipline knows no bounds.