Friday, January 22, 2010

Random things bouncing around my head...

Some various, and ultimately, pointless, things have been occupying my mind lately for reasons that probably aren't completely healthy. Fact is, I'd be better off devoting my cranial wattage towards things like a cure for cancer, an even higher definition television, or perhaps new and improved scrubbing bubbles for getting that toilet surgical ward sterile. But no, I devoted my thoughts to the following:

-what the fuck is with the little clock timer on the Ticketmaster ticket purchasing site? Life is stressful and anxiety laden enough, ok? Do I need a fucking clock telling me I have EXACTLY two minutes and thirty three seconds left to complete my purchase before my tickets, MY FUCKING TICKETS!, are released to the next (scumbag) purchaser? Are you kidding me? Why don't you just have some 300 pound goombah come over to my place, put a gun to my head, and have me crack some encrypted code at the same time as well? Of course, since I hadn't been on Ticketmaster in forever, I had to change my credit card info. This required multiple screens and security questions from the Visa corp....and the entire time the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking. One minute...fifty five seconds...gotta hurry...SHIT!!!!!! I spelled my name wrong and I have to re-do the entire billing info!!!!!! Fuck fuck fuck!!!!!! Thirty seven seconds...twenty nine seconds....SOME OTHER ASSHOLE CANNOT HAVE MY EDDIE IZZARD TICKETS!!!!!! GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! OK, done......wha.....? Type in the word in the box to complete the purchase?????? I can't fucking read it!!!!!!! Is that a lower case "g" or "q"???? I'll go with "g".....shiiiiiiit!!!!!!! It was a fucking "Q"!!!!!!! Got to retype some OTHER unintelligible word now! Fifteen seconds....eleven seconds....nine I sure I wish to complete this purchase? Are you kidding me? And let some other fucktard have my ticket???? You're goddamn right I want to complete my purchase!!!!!! Three seconds....Thank you for your purchase! Sigh...I was spent....exhausted....I needed a drink and a Xanax...all for a ticket to a comedy concert. It seemed overkill. I don't think government code crackers work under that kind of you can tell, I was scarred by the experience (but I get to see Eddie Izzard in LA! Woot!).

-So I have these various mouthwashes (pre-brush rinse, post brush fluoride, etc) that I try and use on a daily basis, hygienic good boy that I am. Know what they all have in common? A child proof twist off cap that the Incredible Hulk after a pot of black coffee, three rails of crank, and a B12 shot couldn't open on a dare. If you cut off a Kurgen's head, and absorbed his soul energy (There can only be one Highlander!!!!!) you may have a shot of getting these things off. A blow torch, a tactical nuke, and a motivated safe cracker may have a shot at it....I dunno. The point I'm trying to get across here is that the caps are less than easy to remove. So, what are they saying here? The very shit were selling you to swish around IN YOUR MOUTH is so fucking DEADLY, we had to make sure nobody, NOBODY, but a highly motivated adult with the grip strength of an enraged orangutan, could possibly open the cap and get to the highly toxic liquid death inside. I mean, if you need that kind of security to prevent ACCIDENTAL INGESTION of a MOUTH WASH, perhaps we should change the formula? You know...just a wee bit? Or maybe just relabel it 'radiator coolant' or 'transmission fluid' or just plain old 'rat poison'? Just a suggestion...but it does give me pause. But boy, does it make your mouth TINGLE!!!!

-I have determined a cotton swab is worse than heroin, crack, alcohol, and Peanut Butter Cups combined for its addictive qualities. If you ever take a shower and feel the desire to dry out your ears with a Q-tip, just DON'T DO IT. Once you start, there's no going back. Once your on the Q-tip fix, just try, TRY, to take a shower and NOT use one to dry your ears after. You can't. And if you do, it will be HELL. The other day I ran out of swabs, and I didn't realize this until after my shower. I was standing there, naked, and in a near panic. I then thought "Dude, it's just a Q-tip, calm down...and go about your business." So I did. It was awful. All day long it felt like my ear was the Okeechobee Swamp....and I was jonesing for a Q-tip...BAD. I rolled up a Kleenex and tried to get my good. I think this must be what the DT's feel like. PURE-TORTURE. Anyway, through a Herculean effort of pure willpower, I got through the day by picking at the imaginary spiders crawling all over my skin. Funny thing though...if you go for a swim, no need for Q-tips. It doesn't activate THE NEED. THE HUNGER. But the shower? Another thing all together. "Hi, my name is John, and I'm a cotton swabber.......and today is the first day of the rest of my life" "Welcome John!" What do you think? Surely there must be a 12 step group somewhere for this...

-I experienced true, unadulterated lust for the first time in a long time today. LUST I tell you....CAR LUST. Re-connected with a long time friend of mine who hooked me up with a test drive of the new Acura TL (plus the Snow Leopard OS and MS Office....score!). OH...WOW. It is such a MANLY CAR. Not a chick car....AT ALL. Some people don't like the looks, but to me it's hot hot hot (plus it looks a hundred times better in person). Also, it's an electronic geeks wet dream. I cannot even begin to tell you all the do-dads it has. And the ride? Smooooooth. Anyways, as shallow as all this sounds, I want this car...and I will have it. Personal life a shambles? Maybe....but I know how to buy expensive shit. THAT I can do better than most....

-Finally dumped all my CD's onto my computer and listening on shuffle...its kind of like having your own radio station. Why did it take me so long to do this? (Style Council at the moment...Have You Ever Had It Blue?) However, I do need a much larger capacity iPod now to get these tunes portable....its always something ($). Also watching Casino Royale (Eva Green....YOWZA!) and writing this blog. Who said men cannot multi-task? Ffffft......

-Speaking of Apple (I know..but I needed a transition for my next rant), my ownership of a Mac Book continues to be more frustrating than an eighty year old in the fast lane. My wireless router took a dump and I had to buy a new one. Simple fix, right? Just hook it up and configure it, right? WRONG. The crux of the issue was this: the software that came with the router has this step by step process that requires you to hit "next" at the bottom of the screen like, fifty three times. You cannot accomplish this by simply hitting "enter/return". Guess what? For reasons I'm sure only Steve Fucking Jobs understands, my MacBook screen wouldn't show the bottom of the page with the buttons I need to install the GODDAMN SOFTWARE. I got rid of the dock, fucked with the screen size....NOPE! NO GO MY MAN!!! After a half an hour of profanity, you want to know what did it take to set up the router (you may or may not be asking yourselves)? I had to fire up my rickety assed, eight year old desk top PC with a CD drive that barely functions in order to run the software. And guess what? It magically showed the whole screen and I configured the router lickity split. Wow. Good thing I have this fancy schmancy Mac, isn't it? But my frustrations do not end there. Oh, no no no. I have a new all in one printer, scanner, fax. Guess how it works with my Mac I just found out? It prints (yea)...and thats it. For reasons (Mr. Jobs?) I cannot fathom, they decided to not make the drivers for the scanner and fax compatible, and refuse to write them to this day. What the fuck????? Huh?????? WHY??????? I downloaded third party programs that were supposed to fix this issue, and.....nope. Great. Now I have all that shit cluttering up my computer as well. After two hours of sweat, colorful language, and tears of rage, I went back to the Apple and HP sites just to discover that my model was one of the FEW they arbitrarily decided not to fully configure. Why? Who the fuck knows. But there you go. Thank you Apple Corp (to be fair, Snow Leopard is supposed to help this situation...we shall see). Anyways, my Mac experience continues to be less than advertised. Thank god for that magnetic power plug connection...the one feature I'm down with.

-OK, that will do for now. Went to gym and need to shower. As you can see my Friday night is shaping up to be LEGEND...perhaps I'll hit Facebook next. Whoa...somebody stop me!!!!! :)


  1. The one with Ticketmaster I love (I even got in a UK national consumer magazine moaning about this one) is where you print your own tickets and they charge you £4.50 a ticket "Service Charge". Sorry what service - I printed the chuffing thing on my printer, with my paper and ink!

  2. I see you posted this right before you went to the gym. Is that possibly why you approached me so quickly? Fortunately for me I was being put through the rigors already so there was no need for you to yell at me about your computer. I am however hurt by the Label "Mac crap" **HURT**

    :( If you had bought an Apple airport it would have worked seamlessly. It's a little more money, but A LOT LESS tears of rage. Sucks about the fax/scan thing. I always double check before I buy that stuff cuz, yeah, sometimes that happens.

    Otherwise, 100% agree on the Q-Tip thing. But you knew that already. I one up you with the invention of Lotion and Chapstick though.

    PS - What happened to the Volkswagen CC? Those are cooler looking I thought. Or you should save up for the new 4 door Porsche. The Panamera. VERY similar body design as the CC.