OK, I'll be brief. Spending a Friday night at home...mellow...some good music...and after the gym, I purchased some groceries to make myself a nice, homemade meal. So far, so good, right? Wrong. First, some quick background info: I love wax peppers and pepperoncini. LOVE. THEM. A. LOT. Also, I'm mildly OCD. Not out of control, but a little. Without going into gory detail, I have little rituals, things I cannot ignore, minor obsessions that can cause lack of sleep, etc. It doesn't dominate my life...but it is there. Now that you know this, back to the story...
So I'm making my meal, happy as a little clam, when I grab my BRAND NEW NEVER BEEN OPENED JUST PURCHASED 15 MINUTES AGO jar of wax pepper rings. I go to open the jar, all ready and excited to hear the little "burp" of the vacuum seal being broken and...the lid practically falls off as I put very little pressure on it. WTF??? Did somebody already open it? Is it poisoned? Does it contain a rampant botulism infection? WHY DID THE GODDAMN LID FALL OFF?????? I stare at my jar of peppers, their tangy vapors making me drool, and I cannot get over the whole loose lid issue. Why was the lid loose? Why was the lid loose? Why was the lid loose? I run through a thousand different scenarios that WOULD ALLOW ME TO EAT THE PEPPERS. I cannot sell myself on any of them, my OCD wins, and down the drain into the garbage disposal goes the peppers. I almost cried. Now, not getting my peppers is not the thrust of this story. That, in and of itself, is no big deal. The main focus of this story is this: I now have to check every jar of peppers at the grocery store for "lid tightness" prior to purchase. In fact, I may have to even check every jar regardless of product. My OCD demands it. This cannot ever happen again. EVER. And so, as if I didn't have enough shit in my cluttered, occasionally anxiety laden head, I now have to add "loose lid botulism poison" stress. And I have to ask the Universe, "Why?" Why are you doing this to me? Is a tight fucking lid too much to fucking ask????? I have enough things, ENOUGH THINGS, in my life to keep track of and obsess on (when's the last time I changed the baking soda box in the freezer? Whens the last time I checked my vehicles tire pressure? Does my furniture need polishing oil to keep the wood conditioned? What about the leather sofa? I noticed some moss on my roof...hows that affect the wood shingles...cant be good, thats for sure! etc. etc. etc.) and now were adding this. Fucking great and thank you. Oh, wait, see previous post...perhaps it's just a manifestation of Cosmic Piling On.
Anyways, there's your glimpse into the nightmare that is my head and its inner thoughts. Scary isn't it? Just try being me...
Well, once again, you got me laughing out loud. I have been suffering from loose lid botulism poison syndrome for years now!
ReplyDeleteI also check for AIDS infected needles in theater seats before I sit down. Thank you random email for telling me the odds of this happening are 1 quatrillion to 1 but I don't want to be THAT one!
My question is, what happens when you accidentally apply too much pressure at the store and wind up opening the jar before you've purchased it? I recall the vice grip of pressure you used to close my 2 liters and mayonnaise jars years ago. You're too strong with those man hands. I was unable to reopen MY OWN condiments and had to buy new ones... Be careful!
at least I'm not the only nut on the planet... :-)
ReplyDelete@oneheavenlyheart- What??? AIDS infested needles in theater seats??? Sigh...and another makes the list. THANK YOU. Its a wonder I have any free mental capacity left to figure out what shoe goes on what foot;) Actually, and you just made me think of this...do you suppose my 'loose lid encounter' was the result of a 'test turn' gone horribly awry from another 'loose lid botulism poison' stress case who put it back on the shelf out of sheer mortifying embarrassment??? Maybe in the history of grocery stores theres been only ONE ORIGINAL loose lid, and the thousands that have followed over the years are the result of us OCD types getting carried away with 'testing' them in grocery stores? Hmmmmm....
ReplyDeleteHahaha...I can just picture you softly swearing at me under your breath as you stand alone in your kitchen struggling with a jar lid I over-tightened as you're denied the goodies located within the jar. Priceless!
@Furtheron- Oh heck no! As you can see you're in excellent company if we do say so ourselves:)