Saturday, October 3, 2009

Pet Peeves

Well, I haven't had a blog in a while where I vented a good bitch or two. So, in order to preserve the calm mental state I have been enjoying as of late, I'm going to purge a few things here:

1) Work place refrigerator cola thieves-I about blew a gasket the other day as a result of this. At 6pm I had put not one, but TWO cans of Coke in the office refrigerator. At 10pm, deciding that a frosty, caffeinated beverage would hit the spot, I go to the fridge and....hmmmmmm, where's my soda? Must be behind this guys, it's behind the macaroni Ordinarily, I would let this go as maybe a one shot mistake. But this is the fourth time this has happened, and it was TWO COKES that were pilfered from the refrigerator. My question is this: WHAT KIND OF SOCIOPATH DOES THIS????? How do you open a refrigerator, see beverages and other food stuffs in there that are CLEARLY NOT YOURS, and take them? Do you have the following conversation in your head:"I know I didn't put those sodas in there, and I didn't pay for them, but since I'm the only person in the universe and my narcissism knows no limits, they were clearly put there for my sole enjoyment." How do you STEAL something and not give it another thought? Or are you still in some sort of childlike state where you think magical office refrigerator gnomes lovingly restock the refrigerator with your favorite food items? Or are you the same type of person who tortures small animals, doesn't give a shit, and is one step away from being a thrill kill serial murderer? Yes, that's right, I just equated a soda snatcher with Jeffrey Dahmer. And yes, I think a person who can continually steal foodstuffs from a community refrigerator is as equally disturbed,and they need to be removed from society...or at least castrated. Want to know what the kicker is? The kicker is this: right next to the refrigerator is a SODA MACHINE. Can of Coke? 65 cents. It would seem a small price to pay for a clean conscience, wouldn't it? Oh, that's right...a sociopath has no conscience, which is precisely my point about these people.

2) Putting me on hold when you're the one who called me in the first place-if you take the time out of your busy day to call me just to say hello, I'm touched and appreciate the gesture. If you take the time out of your busy day to call me just to put me on hold after two seconds because the person you really wanted/needed to talk to called you back, I would feel no guilt if your mobile phone instantly gave you a brain tumor. If you're going to call me, please make sure you can devote at least 3-5 minutes to a conversation. All kind meaning taken from a phone call turns into a steaming pile if you reach out to me just to blow me off. "Hey John, how 'ya doing? Just thought I'd give you a call to let you know you're not worth talking to. Ciao!" What a dick move. My promise to you is if you call me, no matter how busy I am, I will stop what I'm doing and make a few minutes for you. I wasn't always like that, and I used to be kind of an ass if you called me and I was busy, like if I was cleaning my pool I'd act all shitty if I was interrupted. But I have grown and learned I was being a bit of a jerk. If I am legitimately super busy, I will immediately tell you I'll have to call you back, which I will do, usually pretty promptly. It would be nice if others learned that same lesson.

3) SUV's and speed bumps-so you're the type of person who drives a 36,000 pound SUV with an all terrain suspension of an M1A1 Abrahms front line battle tank, and yet, for some reason, you feel the need to slow down to .0000000001 MPH for a six inch speed bump. In fact, if you're this type of person, your favorite move is this one: make a left turn into a parking lot off of a busy street, and I follow right behind you. As you enter the parking lot, you notice there's that deadly speed bump directly ahead, and despite your behemoth of a vehicle being equipped with the "V8 mountain crushing deforestation package with brush guards, winch, and small woodland creature killing studded tires", you immediately slam on your brakes in order to negotiate this Mt. Everest in front of you. Since I'm behind you, this of course hangs me out to dry in the oncoming lane of traffic, so I can take a broadside hit from a distracted, mouth breathing, high speed teenager in a 1983 Corolla who is yakking on their cell phone and looking down trying to find the remnants of the joint they've just dropped. Clearly, if you're this person, you have merely purchased this freighter sized vehicle because you're a douche bag. OK, that wasn't could just be merely retarded. My apologies.

4) Old people in economy cars-back in the day, old people drove cars like 700 horsepower Cadillacs and Lincolns. Now matter how slow they WANTED to drive, these cars had so much asphalt shredding power that the simple act of just lifting your foot off of the brake pedal resulted in a 0-60 mph time of 3.8 seconds. Now? Now old people drive the 22 horsepower Prius and Yaris. These vehicles, from what I have seen, appear to have a built in safety measure that once you hit the gas pedal, there's a 45 second delay before the car actually accelerates forward. Couple this delay with the typical octogenarians reaction time as a red light turns to green (approximately 25 minutes), and you can now see why our commutes are getting slower and slower. So, because of this, I'm thinking we petition the government to provide senior citizens with 500 horsepower Shelby Mustangs or Chevrolet Corvettes. It will help out the American auto manufacturer, AND shave ten minutes off of my commute. It's a win-win.

OK, thanks for letting me rant a little bit. I now feel centered again, and the universe, once again, makes sense...except for my inability to locate a dark chocolate peanut butter cup in any Fresno area grocery store. That makes no sense at all.


  1. Love the SUV one...

    Actually I hate the Prius drivers who fly past me on the motorway at 100mph... why buy something with all those metals that'll take years to get rid off in the pretence you are saving the planet (you aren't - buy a small diesel instead!) but then anyway drive like an F1 driver... my large diesel station wagon gets 40mpg most of the time and 50mpg on a long motorway cruise... no doubt better than the 100mph hybrid driver

  2. John.

    You did it.

    You got me started. The following chain of event are out of my control now. It's your fault.

    All those years of rage at people stealing my food has left me crazier than a cat lady. I'm just about done fashioning my tinfoil hat to keep the government from listening in on these conversations and then I'll write more later.

    We have a fountain soda machine here at work, but no big cups. I buy the cleaning supplies, maintain the cafe it's in, get the ice, etc. The soda is free to the employee, BUT THERE'S NO BIG CUPS. (There's little cups or you can use your own mug, what the fuck do I care what you put the soda in???)

    So I drive my ass to the store, spend my money and buy enough (50) cups, lids, and straws to last me a couple months, with MY money for me.

    FOR ME.

    FOR ***ME***

    I hid them in a low cabinet WAY in the back. How come I only have 20 cups left? REALLY?!?!?!

    Oh I'm sorry. My mistake. You mean YOU TOO went to the store...? Picked out the cups...? Paid for them...?

    I really fear I'm teetering on the verge of becoming an arsonist. I was *THIS CLOSE* to burning my own house down last week after seeing that stray sock in my garage, but NOW... Now all I want to do is just burn the cafe down. Just burn it down. Shut it down. If I can't have peace there then NO ONE CAN!

    See, these are the dangerous people because it's so little that *you* look like the asshole for complaining. Next time, I'm hoping they just steal my car so I can have them arrested for the thieving fucktards they are.


  3. Actually Marisa, you hit the nail on the head with this comment:

    "See, these are the dangerous people because it's so little that *you* look like the asshole for complaining."

    EXACTLY!!! In my situation, I was pounding out an office mass email that was soooo dripping with sarcasm, vitriol, and hyperbole, it was, wellll.....brilliant actually. But my coworker told me, after I dropped about 20 'these motherfuckers' as I was on a tirade in the office, "Dude, you got to let it go...don't write the email, you'll look like an asshole." REALLY? "I" NEED TO LET IT GO? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? Apparently the solution to this problem in the eyes of society is to let people continue to fucking steal....AND YOU KNOW WHERE I WORK FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!! I don't get it. Apparently, "I'm" the asshole for taking offense at somebody else brazenly stealing "MY" property? And I just need to turn a blind eye and continue to fund the dining and beverage habits of others? What the fuck has this world come to??? SERENITY NOW!!!!