Caffeine Dealers

So I remember reading this a while back:

"Did you know that Starbucks coffee can have twice as much caffeine as other brands of "to go" coffee?"

Now picture the look on a dogs face when they hear a high pitched sound.  Something like this:

THAT was the look on my face when I read that...because I was perplexed as to what the point was to that question/declaration (btw, my autocorrect originally had the words "point was" as "pony waste" and I almost left it like that, because it struck me as funny). To me, that statement is akin to informing somebody that heroin has an intoxicating effect. Um...yeah. Exactly. It's kind of the reason I go there (for the coffee/caffeine, that is...not heroin. Although, based on their continual menu expansion, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before that's offered as well.  "I'll have a venti China white, please."
"Of course, sir! That will be $1,500 and your dignity. Would you like that with whipped cream? Or caramel? Or just the usual heated over a dirty spoon?")

Anyways, Starbucks knows what people like me need in the morning, and that is a hot cup of oooomph, preferably a venti, and not some black, benign liquid masquerading as the real deal.  If something is going to give me less than minty breath, and the need to urinate every three minutes, it had better put a bounce in my step, 'ya know?  So snap to it alternative coffee peddlers!  If you want to compete with The 'Bux, you'd better tweak (get it??????  A PUN!!!) that formula to a proper teeth grinder of a brew and then maybe, just maybe, some of those early morning, bleary eyed, disposable income zombies (like me) who have no desire to be up at that ungodly hour except to please The Man and Get Paid, might stumble into your roasted bean joint for a hot cup of giddy-up to get their day started.   

The Golden Years

Person: So, when you eventually retire, what are you going to do?
Me: Nothing.
Person: You don't mean that...who could do nothing for years on end?
Me: You don't know me very well, do you?

My Retirement Plan

Celery Conspiracy

My problem with celery is thus: the way its portioned out at the grocery store. A recipe will call for a 1/4, or 1/2 cup, of diced celery. This is the equivalent of one stalk (or less). Ever try and buy just one stalk of celery? You CAN'T. Me at the grocery store:

John-"I'd like to buy a stalk of celery please."
Grocer-"I'm sorry sir, but we only sell it by the metric ton."


I am now going to furiously look for a recipe that calls for one metric ton of celery (hopefully the one missing stalk I already used doesn't detract from the flavor...otherwise I'll be forced to go buy another metric ton of celery. Anybody need a herd of rabbits fed? I can help you out....). When are we going to stop the evil cabal of international celery growers from dictating our lives? Wake up people! The revolution is nigh!

(The above image has nothing to do with this post other than its loose association with celery.  Having said that...you're welcome)*






*It's almost hypnotic, isn't it?  
 

There's easier ways to torment a child...

So, apparently, making the rounds on the internet is a story about a guy who, after being annoyed by a child behind him at a fast food restaurant, bought all of the pies the establishment had in order to teach the young lad a lesson (bottom of this post is the link to the story if you'd like to read it). You see, apparently the young child was throwing a fit about wanting a pie, and our hero of the story felt it was a rock star move of epic, almost Hellenistic proportions, to buy them all up prior to the child getting his tantrum indulged. Personally, I felt the gentleman who shared this story got it all wrong. A far more economical way to get a lesson across to the young child, i.e. the one I would have employed, would be this:

I would have calmly turned around, and explained to the child in terms he/she could understand, that all living things, including them, must and will die. It is the inevitable end result of our creation and the source of our ever present existential angst. And, lest he/she thinks they are guaranteed a long happy existence, further explained the mere act of crossing the street can result in your immediate and untimely demise, provided some unexpected horrible disease doesn't get you first. Oh, and then I'd throw in the fact that Santa Claus isn't real, and how their birth destroyed their mother's dreams and ambitions.

See? If one wants to be an epic asshole, and, in a twist of irony, be a far more petulant child than the one you're attempting to give the "what for", it doesn't have to cost you the out of pocket expense of a multitude of miniature pies. 

The article:

http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/dont-buy-all-the-pies-at-burger-king-to-spite-a-child-1617620956/+AlbertBurneko

Facebook wants to know "what's on your mind?"

I just noticed the little tag line on the (Facebook) status bar states "What's on your mind?" Really? Does Facebook really want to know? Is there enough space for me to share "what's on my mind?" Are you sure? I mean, where do I start?

"I need to get my daughter's car smogged...there's a patch of lawn to the side of my house that's not looking too good...I've been eating a bit too much junk food lately...the stock market has been awfully hot, you just know it's going to implode any day now...I'm not sleeping like I used too, what's that about...I need to make my annual eye exam appointment...I have an air filter for my car I bought two weeks ago, but I have yet to install it (need to take the five minutes and do it)...I'm on vacation right now but all I want to do is basically sleep, which seems a waste...there's a new show on H2 debuting on the 25th about aliens, and I'm inappropriately excited about it...I'd like to write another song, but at the moment I feel creatively bankrupt...I'm not reading like I should, and I love to read (what's up with that?)...etc."


That was about a 3 nanosecond glimpse into "what's on my mind." Somehow, I'm thinking Facebook had something else in mind, and really, who wants to read that claptrap? Perhaps they should rewrite it to say "Share something interesting...a witticism...an entertaining anecdote...a video of a cat playing a piano...but for the love of god, please, whatever you do, stay away from anything even remotely resembling the drudgery and reality of human existence. This is the internet. Keep it light or keep it to yourself. People are here to escape and snoop. Quit bumming them out. Now, where's those damn cat videos???" I think that would be more appropriate.

So, with that in mind, here 'ya go (Facebook approved as appropriate internet content):

Torangey

Kumquat: funniest fruit word everybody knows, and yet, is not quite sure what it looks, or tastes like.
(Side note: just looked it up. It's description does NOT live up to its name. It's basically a small, tangy orange. I think "torangey" is a better, more appropriate name that doesn't build up such lofty expectations. I hear "kumquat", and I'm expecting a life changing experience, 'ya know? Let's get on this. Somebody find me the address of the Kumquat Growers of America.  #torangey

The self-aggrandizing kumquat:

New Song: Red Sunset, Green Flash (updated May 18, 2014)

Tried to write a "happy song" (I used a major key and everything), but, like most of my stuff, it turned out to have a wistful quality. I guess a leopard cannot change his spots. This is an amalgamation of everything I like: jingle jangle, endless layers of guitars (I think I melted my CPU...), strings, and even a semi-groovy section (hey, bass is my primary thang). All my influences are here: The Church, U2, and even a little Andy Rourke bass...and some Lush too. This also has some soaring orchestral qualities, and I think the bridge is rather pretty. Mixed to be played loud, and please, use headphones!

(So, after repeated listenings I heard some things I wanted to change: decay rates of some guitars, try and fix a right side bias, added a small additional guitar track, changed eq parameters, etc. This is probably about as close to what I had imagined as I am going to get. If I keep fiddling with it, I'll screw it up. Anyways, like I said, my attempt at a "happy song" in a major key (G for those curious), with some strings, chiming guitars, and a fun little bass line in the chorus)

Furthermore, it's all about the mix, amiright???? Anyways, can't sing, so instrumental as always. But, loads o' guitars, synths, and looped percussion all created by my little hands and cranium. As usual, with as much emotion as I can infuse. Btw, look up a red sunset-green flash if you're not familiar...