Well, I haven't had a blog in a while where I vented a good bitch or two. So, in order to preserve the calm mental state I have been enjoying as of late, I'm going to purge a few things here:
1) Work place refrigerator cola thieves-I about blew a gasket the other day as a result of this. At 6pm I had put not one, but TWO cans of Coke in the office refrigerator. At 10pm, deciding that a frosty, caffeinated beverage would hit the spot, I go to the fridge and....hmmmmmm, where's my soda? Must be behind this guys burrito....no....oh, it's behind the macaroni salad.....no....WTF??? Ordinarily, I would let this go as maybe a one shot mistake. But this is the fourth time this has happened, and it was TWO COKES that were pilfered from the refrigerator. My question is this: WHAT KIND OF SOCIOPATH DOES THIS????? How do you open a refrigerator, see beverages and other food stuffs in there that are CLEARLY NOT YOURS, and take them? Do you have the following conversation in your head:"I know I didn't put those sodas in there, and I didn't pay for them, but since I'm the only person in the universe and my narcissism knows no limits, they were clearly put there for my sole enjoyment." How do you STEAL something and not give it another thought? Or are you still in some sort of childlike state where you think magical office refrigerator gnomes lovingly restock the refrigerator with your favorite food items? Or are you the same type of person who tortures small animals, doesn't give a shit, and is one step away from being a thrill kill serial murderer? Yes, that's right, I just equated a soda snatcher with Jeffrey Dahmer. And yes, I think a person who can continually steal foodstuffs from a community refrigerator is as equally disturbed,and they need to be removed from society...or at least castrated. Want to know what the kicker is? The kicker is this: right next to the refrigerator is a SODA MACHINE. Can of Coke? 65 cents. It would seem a small price to pay for a clean conscience, wouldn't it? Oh, that's right...a sociopath has no conscience, which is precisely my point about these people.
2) Putting me on hold when you're the one who called me in the first place-if you take the time out of your busy day to call me just to say hello, I'm touched and appreciate the gesture. If you take the time out of your busy day to call me just to put me on hold after two seconds because the person you really wanted/needed to talk to called you back, I would feel no guilt if your mobile phone instantly gave you a brain tumor. If you're going to call me, please make sure you can devote at least 3-5 minutes to a conversation. All kind meaning taken from a phone call turns into a steaming pile if you reach out to me just to blow me off. "Hey John, how 'ya doing? Just thought I'd give you a call to let you know you're not worth talking to. Ciao!" What a dick move. My promise to you is if you call me, no matter how busy I am, I will stop what I'm doing and make a few minutes for you. I wasn't always like that, and I used to be kind of an ass if you called me and I was busy, like if I was cleaning my pool I'd act all shitty if I was interrupted. But I have grown and learned I was being a bit of a jerk. If I am legitimately super busy, I will immediately tell you I'll have to call you back, which I will do, usually pretty promptly. It would be nice if others learned that same lesson.
3) SUV's and speed bumps-so you're the type of person who drives a 36,000 pound SUV with an all terrain suspension of an M1A1 Abrahms front line battle tank, and yet, for some reason, you feel the need to slow down to .0000000001 MPH for a six inch speed bump. In fact, if you're this type of person, your favorite move is this one: make a left turn into a parking lot off of a busy street, and I follow right behind you. As you enter the parking lot, you notice there's that deadly speed bump directly ahead, and despite your behemoth of a vehicle being equipped with the "V8 mountain crushing deforestation package with brush guards, winch, and small woodland creature killing studded tires", you immediately slam on your brakes in order to negotiate this Mt. Everest in front of you. Since I'm behind you, this of course hangs me out to dry in the oncoming lane of traffic, so I can take a broadside hit from a distracted, mouth breathing, high speed teenager in a 1983 Corolla who is yakking on their cell phone and looking down trying to find the remnants of the joint they've just dropped. Clearly, if you're this person, you have merely purchased this freighter sized vehicle because you're a douche bag. OK, that wasn't fair...you could just be merely retarded. My apologies.
4) Old people in economy cars-back in the day, old people drove cars like 700 horsepower Cadillacs and Lincolns. Now matter how slow they WANTED to drive, these cars had so much asphalt shredding power that the simple act of just lifting your foot off of the brake pedal resulted in a 0-60 mph time of 3.8 seconds. Now? Now old people drive the 22 horsepower Prius and Yaris. These vehicles, from what I have seen, appear to have a built in safety measure that once you hit the gas pedal, there's a 45 second delay before the car actually accelerates forward. Couple this delay with the typical octogenarians reaction time as a red light turns to green (approximately 25 minutes), and you can now see why our commutes are getting slower and slower. So, because of this, I'm thinking we petition the government to provide senior citizens with 500 horsepower Shelby Mustangs or Chevrolet Corvettes. It will help out the American auto manufacturer, AND shave ten minutes off of my commute. It's a win-win.
OK, thanks for letting me rant a little bit. I now feel centered again, and the universe, once again, makes sense...except for my inability to locate a dark chocolate peanut butter cup in any Fresno area grocery store. That makes no sense at all.
Showing posts with label soda. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soda. Show all posts
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hugh Hefner Is Ruining Fast Food Drinking Straws
OK, not really, but I'm going to feature him, well, his dick anyways, prominently in my rather off color analogy.
As part of my never ending quest to prove there isn’t ANYTHING I can’t have an issue with, I am now going to bitch about fast food drinking straws. More specifically, I am going to bitch about how they’re packaged. But first, a little history…
Remember how back in the day a plastic straw was a robust thing, not easily mutilated, and if a person had some sort of oral fixation, they could chew on it for hours. Additionally, they were packaged in their wrapper kind of loosely, and you could bang one end on the counter thus popping the other end out of the paper wrapper…and then blow into the open end and launch a paper missile into the face at the person sitting across from you (yes, there’s more penis allusions on the way..stay with me…). It was, simply put, good times. Now, let’s fast forward to today, shall we?
The straw of today is a sad little thing. If you were to chew on it, it falls apart. You accidentally bend it, it splits and breaks thus making suction (he heh...I said "suction") impossible. And if you bang it too hard, it folds in half. That’s right, the modern drinking straw is just like Hugh Hefner’s dick. Once proud and mighty…but now weak, bendy and ineffectual. But I digress…my real complaint is the wrapper.
The paper wrapper seems to be made from leftover material from the ass gasket manufacturers of America. It’s that super thin shit that if it gets a drop of moisture on it, it instantaneously begins to disintegrate. Dreaming of ripping off the paper with your teeth? Well, go for it my friend…but only if you like the feeling of a giant spit wad stuck to your front teeth. Splash a little soda on it, and it adheres to the straw like it was painted on, as if the little spit wads that will form if you don’t get it all off before you put it in your soda will somehow add to the drinking experience. Um…it doesn’t by the way. But the most infuriating thing? It’s how goddamn tight that wrapper is ON THE STRAW.
The wrapper on the straw now is like a fucking condom, except why are we trying to protect our soda from the straw (or vice versa). I’m reasonably sure neither has the clap or herpes (however, that Coke looked kind of slutty! Ha! Get it? It was a “Coke whore”! hahaha…No? Fine. Anyways…). Even if you’re willing to deal with the bits of ass gasket in your teeth (forget just ripping it off the end with your fingers…they took out all the slack…ain’t gonna happen) and you magically get that one end open, there is no chance of a vigorous missile launch (Again, another Hef’s dick analogy. Thank you). You can blow it like you’re trying to land an acting job, but you’re just wasting your time, it ain’t coming off. It’s just too tight. My question is this: Why?
Why did they change the wrapper? Did the fun police come by and see much too much mirth and merriment was being had by 11 yr. olds with their straws in burger restaurants? Did the woman sue McDonald’s for an eye injury shortly after her cooch healed from her hot coffee drive through spillage incident (or was that why she spilled her coffee? Paper missile right in the old orbital)? Or is there a giant conspiracy from the ass gasket manufacturers of America to pawn off their product on an unsuspecting populace?
To tell you the truth, I truly do not know…other than this is yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse, and I plan to have ring side seats to watch it as the world continues to fall apart…albeit with bits of ass gasket in my teeth (hey man, gotta have a soda when watching the Apocalypse ringside, right?).
As part of my never ending quest to prove there isn’t ANYTHING I can’t have an issue with, I am now going to bitch about fast food drinking straws. More specifically, I am going to bitch about how they’re packaged. But first, a little history…
Remember how back in the day a plastic straw was a robust thing, not easily mutilated, and if a person had some sort of oral fixation, they could chew on it for hours. Additionally, they were packaged in their wrapper kind of loosely, and you could bang one end on the counter thus popping the other end out of the paper wrapper…and then blow into the open end and launch a paper missile into the face at the person sitting across from you (yes, there’s more penis allusions on the way..stay with me…). It was, simply put, good times. Now, let’s fast forward to today, shall we?
The straw of today is a sad little thing. If you were to chew on it, it falls apart. You accidentally bend it, it splits and breaks thus making suction (he heh...I said "suction") impossible. And if you bang it too hard, it folds in half. That’s right, the modern drinking straw is just like Hugh Hefner’s dick. Once proud and mighty…but now weak, bendy and ineffectual. But I digress…my real complaint is the wrapper.
The paper wrapper seems to be made from leftover material from the ass gasket manufacturers of America. It’s that super thin shit that if it gets a drop of moisture on it, it instantaneously begins to disintegrate. Dreaming of ripping off the paper with your teeth? Well, go for it my friend…but only if you like the feeling of a giant spit wad stuck to your front teeth. Splash a little soda on it, and it adheres to the straw like it was painted on, as if the little spit wads that will form if you don’t get it all off before you put it in your soda will somehow add to the drinking experience. Um…it doesn’t by the way. But the most infuriating thing? It’s how goddamn tight that wrapper is ON THE STRAW.
The wrapper on the straw now is like a fucking condom, except why are we trying to protect our soda from the straw (or vice versa). I’m reasonably sure neither has the clap or herpes (however, that Coke looked kind of slutty! Ha! Get it? It was a “Coke whore”! hahaha…No? Fine. Anyways…). Even if you’re willing to deal with the bits of ass gasket in your teeth (forget just ripping it off the end with your fingers…they took out all the slack…ain’t gonna happen) and you magically get that one end open, there is no chance of a vigorous missile launch (Again, another Hef’s dick analogy. Thank you). You can blow it like you’re trying to land an acting job, but you’re just wasting your time, it ain’t coming off. It’s just too tight. My question is this: Why?
Why did they change the wrapper? Did the fun police come by and see much too much mirth and merriment was being had by 11 yr. olds with their straws in burger restaurants? Did the woman sue McDonald’s for an eye injury shortly after her cooch healed from her hot coffee drive through spillage incident (or was that why she spilled her coffee? Paper missile right in the old orbital)? Or is there a giant conspiracy from the ass gasket manufacturers of America to pawn off their product on an unsuspecting populace?
To tell you the truth, I truly do not know…other than this is yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse, and I plan to have ring side seats to watch it as the world continues to fall apart…albeit with bits of ass gasket in my teeth (hey man, gotta have a soda when watching the Apocalypse ringside, right?).
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