First World Problems

So, as I occasionally do, I decided it was high time for that first pool/spa cleaning of the year.  It was an unusually warm early Spring day (sunny and 80 degrees), and since the pool/spa was suffering from winter neglect, I figured today was the perfect day.  First thing I was going to do was vacuum out the spa.  However, this presents a problem because only after I've started my chore in earnest do I suddenly remember the vacuum head is broken.  What to do?  All is lost, right?  Well, if you have duct (often popularly called "duck") tape, the situation is never dire ("If you can't duck it, fuck it"), and nearly any crisis can be resolved.  Duct tape cures a great many ills...and this was no different.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you "the ghetto pool vacuum system".  Rejoice in its splendor and beauty!

Also, since we're talking pool maintenance, what's with the cryptic instructions with pool equipment? "Zodiac G3 pool sweep starting and stopping?  Possible solution: realign the Ferguson valve next to the parabolic hyphenator, and make sure the grommance chamber is aligned at a 22 degree angle with the satellite fed electron beam.  Once synchronized with the lunar cycle, chant to Poseidon the incantation of clean waters and hop on one foot.  Test for leaky protons, and immerse molybdenum o-ring with ground unicorn horn and pixie dust.  If that doesn't work, smack it with the hammer of Thor, but only after ensuring electron beam is now aligned at 24.3 degrees off center." 

Anyways, pool was all sparkly clean when I got through with it yesterday (duct tape did its job for the spa portion), which pretty much guaranteed that today the temperature would drop 20 degrees with a gale force wind and a storm on the way.  My pool now, once again (thank you neighbors with untrimmed trees), currently looks like the Okeechobee swamp.  Better check for 'gators and rednecks.  Time to set the traps with deer carcasses and Pabst Blue Ribbon (equally effective for both 'gators AND rednecks) and see what bites.* 


*Not my first lamentation about my ability to bring on foul weather by the mere act of cleaning my pool.  See "I have superpowers" blog from 2009.  

I Have Superpowers

Today I realized something truly amazing about myself. I have superpowers. And what is this amazing ability of mine, you may or may not be asking yourself? The amazing ability is this: I can make the wind blow. I can do this without fail and whenever I want. Want to know how I manifest this amazing ability? By simply cleaning my pool, spa, and backyard decking. That's right...I came about my superpowers without having to go through the discomfort of being exposed to gamma radiation, toxic waste, or a painful spider bite (from what I can tell these are the preferred methods of developing superpowers).

I exercised this power again this weekend. I had my backyard looking like a photo shoot out of Sunset magazine. The very next day? I woke up to the dynamic sound of wind whistling through the trees...and my pool, spa, and deck looking like the Okechobee swamp. This is, like, the third weekend in a row. Now, granted, this superpower isn't as cool as, say, superhuman strength. Or the ability to turn invisible. Or the ability to fly...or even x-ray vision. And, to be honest, I can't muster the ability to summon a hurricane or tornado that you could really do some serious shit with. No, I can only summon the kind of wind that shakes leaves and branches and dust loose from trees and blows it all into the backyards of others. So I'm not sure what actual hero/villan application this power has. I mean, I could make an outdoor wedding a bit of a pain in the ass....you know, blow over table settings, mess up the brides hair, or maybe blow a bridesmaids skirt up and give everybody a shot of her thong...or maybe even kick up the allergy factor with all the crap blowing around and make everybody sneeze and itch. Yeah. That would suck. Well, kinda suck. Anyways, that would be the extent of the villainy I could wreak upon the land. If I were to use my powers for good, I guess I could make a child's day by mustering up some really cool kite flying conditions, or maybe a good day of sailing on the lake...maybe even windsurfing. But that's about it. Like I said, these (less than) awesome powers have limited applications. So, there it is. All I need now is an appropriate costume. I was thinking maybe a green set of tights covered in dusty pollen with bits of leaves and branches and other debris hanging off of it. The symbol upon my chest would be a sparkling, crystal clear pool inside a red circle with a slash through it. Think there's a spot for me in the next X-Men movie?