There's easier ways to torment a child...

So, apparently, making the rounds on the internet is a story about a guy who, after being annoyed by a child behind him at a fast food restaurant, bought all of the pies the establishment had in order to teach the young lad a lesson (bottom of this post is the link to the story if you'd like to read it). You see, apparently the young child was throwing a fit about wanting a pie, and our hero of the story felt it was a rock star move of epic, almost Hellenistic proportions, to buy them all up prior to the child getting his tantrum indulged. Personally, I felt the gentleman who shared this story got it all wrong. A far more economical way to get a lesson across to the young child, i.e. the one I would have employed, would be this:

I would have calmly turned around, and explained to the child in terms he/she could understand, that all living things, including them, must and will die. It is the inevitable end result of our creation and the source of our ever present existential angst. And, lest he/she thinks they are guaranteed a long happy existence, further explained the mere act of crossing the street can result in your immediate and untimely demise, provided some unexpected horrible disease doesn't get you first. Oh, and then I'd throw in the fact that Santa Claus isn't real, and how their birth destroyed their mother's dreams and ambitions.

See? If one wants to be an epic asshole, and, in a twist of irony, be a far more petulant child than the one you're attempting to give the "what for", it doesn't have to cost you the out of pocket expense of a multitude of miniature pies. 

The article:

http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/dont-buy-all-the-pies-at-burger-king-to-spite-a-child-1617620956/+AlbertBurneko

Unintentional irony

Unintentional irony department: Just noticed the small print on a Viagra commercial which states "this drug does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases". It would seem to me that if they were about FULL disclosure, they should have to follow that statement with: "In fact, if we at Pfizer pharmaceuticals are to be completely honest, if you are suffering from a condition that requires the use Viagra, if you avoid our, or other competing, products, we can almost guarantee your STD risk will, in fact, be greatly reduced (if you know what we mean...).  Oh, you DON'T know what we mean? Here's a series of metaphorical graphics to help you better understand..." (the graphics then show a guy on the side of a desert road standing at the front of his car. The hood is up, there's steam shooting from the engine compartment, the car has four flat tires, and the man is holding a piece of broken, limp, radiator hose. He's frustrated, but in one piece without a scratch on him. As he stands there, another similar car goes screaming by with an old dude behind the wheel. It is obvious the old guy is in over his head, slightly panicked, driving too fast, and cannot control the high performance vehicle he clearly shouldn't be driving. He then slams into the side of a cliff and the car explodes in a spectacular fireball)

Anywhoo, when I saw the commercial, this imagery went through my head, and actually made me laugh out loud as I sat on the sofa in my sweats. I dunno, I'm easily amused, and felt compelled to share.

A Simple Blog

I had a conversation with a person the other day who stated my blogs could be a bit…”wordy” (I would have used the word “pedantic”, but maybe that’s just me being too “wordy” again). OK, fine. Maybe they can be a bit convoluted on occasion, but then again, so can I. So, if ‘ye olde blog is a reflection of the man behind the keyboard, so be it. Now, having said that, I am now going to write a simple and less wordy blog for those to enjoy who feel I can be a bit burdensome with my polysyllabic meanderings, prolix musings, and tedious and verbose tirades (ha! Get it? I just did it again! OK, whatever… I THOUGHT it was funny). I’m going to go for a trace of irony in that the blog will BE about groups of words, but I’m going to try mentally deglaze it and reduce it down:

"A Simple Blog About Common Sayings"

-“I’m bored to tears”. If acts of boredom reduce you to a crying heap, then a lack of mental stimulation isn’t really the problem, and the crying is clearly a sign of a deeper underlying emotional issue. "I’m bored to inattention and mental wandering" would make a lot more sense.

-“Wherever you go, there you are.” Unless of course you haven’t gone anywhere, and are already there. In that case it would be “Wherever you are, well, there ‘ya go.”

-“As useless as tits on a boar.” Has anybody ever asked the boar if those tits are of use? Perhaps we’re jumping to a false conclusion. Then again, if we’re talking about nice tits on a really boring person, then yeah, what a waste, and might be the one exception where being bored to tears may be appropriate.

-“I’ve got to piss like a racehorse.” What that would actually mean is “I have to urinate in a barn while walking around on all fours…and preferably into a large pile of straw.” How this conveys an urgency with your bladder and possible imminent loss of bladder control escapes me.

-“I’m wasted.” Really? I’ve never seen anybody at a party drink themselves to the point of starvation and emaciation. Then again, stating to anybody who will listen “I’m so inebriated that my gross motor control and division of attention is compromised” probably falls into the “too wordy” debate.

-“Fuck this.” Why? As an expression of bile and derision I would think engaging in the act of reproduction with said object of spite would be low on the list of activities said spite would inspire.

-“I screwed up.” No, “screwing up” would be an act of elevation, to rise above a starting point, and clearly this saying is meant as an act of failure and debasement. “I screwed down” would be more appropriate.

-“I’m doing great”. Really? Seems to me you’re standing here talking to me, which while maybe nice, fails to rise to the level of greatness. If you were donating your time building homes for the poor or finding a cure for some horrible disease, THAT would be the time for spontaneous statements of “I’m doing great! I’m doing great!”

-“I was dying on the inside.” Yes, you were. We`all were. Little by little every day. It’s called the irreversible act of aging and some would call the central ennui of the existential crisis we all fight every day.

Hmmm…I was going to go for ten examples, but that seemed too predictable, so I’m keeping it at an obtuse nine. And yes, in review, I still wandered into the wordy territory. C’est la vie, which is French for “bite me.”