The Apple Corporation, Einstein, and time dilation

According to the theories of relativity and associated time dilation, "time" can be seen to move at different speeds due to the differing reference frames of the observers.  It's just one of the freaky effects of Einstein's ideas about space-time.  Another freaky effect of time appearing to move unusually slowly is due to the Apple Corporation.  They claim the download for their latest iPhone update takes "16 minutes", when in fact it takes about 42 years. Conclusion?  The Apple servers are obviously located on a rocket ship approaching the speed of light, hence the disparity in times.  Seems like a reasonable assumption.

Same old sh*t, but a new (old) song, and Bradley Cooper sucks like an iPhone

Once again, I was in line at the grocery store, the "express line" to be precise. It was the middle of the afternoon, I was on a day off, and I figured I'd take advantage of buying a few groceries while everybody else was at work. There was a grand total of two registers open, and each line had three customers in them ahead of me. How long could this checkout process/purchase take, right? I should be out of there lickity-split...but NO. Of course not. You see, I have as much luck with a grocery store checkout line as Lindsay Lohan does at not continually falling into a mountain of cocaine. In other words, my experiences, like Lindsay, are usually a train wreck (only difference is, unlike Lindsay, I generally don't give folks a crotch shot whenever I get out of my car to enter a place of business*...but I digress). As soon as I choose the express line to conduct my purchase, the cashier immediately calls for "the manager" (never a good sign) because somebody is apparently trying to purchase their foodstuffs with beaver pelts (not Lindsay's) and flint arrowheads. Fearing Sacajawea's (look it up) purchase may take a minute or two longer than I'd like, I stare longingly at the other line that seems to be moving. I make a beeline (do bees fly straight? Not in my experience...seems to be a misnomer here. Unless, of course, "beeline" means to approach in a rather crooked manner, and I have misunderstood its meaning. If this is indeed the case, let it be said I, in fact, DID NOT make a beeline, but made a geometrically perfect, laser beam straight line for the quicker moving cashier aisle). Naturally, as soon as I get there, the cashier asks for the manager because apparently the person in front of me cannot figure out why the credit card machine will not accept their Costco/movie rental/school ID whatever the fuck card it is it's certainly not a credit/debit card card, and is making a fuss. If this person tried to use a third party check (look it up) covered in cocaine (for some reason I'm going to milk the word "cocaine" for all its comedy potential because "meth" is soooo passe) residue from Juan Escobar (look him up) it would raise less flags. Anyways, by this time the express line was empty and I wandered back over and made my purchase. Yeah, I know, this story has an anti-climatic ending, but truth isn't always stranger than fiction, and I got a wicked cold spot on my chest from balancing my gallon of milk against it as my hands held a few other loose items (again, not Lindsay). Hey, it was really cold, ok? You have no idea of the suffering...or maybe you do. Whatever (quit trying to one up me here...Jesus...get your own blog for crying out loud you attention hog! By the way, I wasn't talking about the spiritual figure...although I hear he was fond of an attentive crowd).

-Apparently there's a new iPhone out. Yawn. Bigger screen. Supposedly 4G speeds. So, um, and? A quicker download and streaming of porn with a larger image? Yeah...that's worth $600. All want to know is this: will it make a fucking phone call that doesn't include 50% of the conversation including the words "Can you mear me now??? Arrrrgh!!!!!" (Is arrrgh a word? Discuss amongst yourselves. Also, doesn't the word "amongst" sound like an ethnicity? "You know, I don't know much about those Amongst peoples, but damn, they make a helluva noodle dish.") Anyways, iPhone hoopla is the tech industry equivalent of the next Bradley Cooper movie. A lot of folks are going to pay for it, claim they enjoy it, but secretly be disappointed with the product.

-Remixed an old song of mine. Sometimes you write and record something but it doesn't quite feel finished...or it missed the mark...felt like it came in under expectations (what I like to call the "Bradley Cooper effect"). Anyways, remastered it, added some keyboards, and VOILA! It's now representative of what was in my head (don't ask...). Oh...you asked? The inspiration for this song was I wanted to write something that would sound appropriate for the closing end credits of a dark and somber superhero movie...something Batman-esque. You know, the hero walks alone as his destiny is unveiled, etc (I guess the movie would have to be part one of a trilogy...as while the destiny may be unveiled, the dark, isolated journey has only begun). OK, I realize I have just outed myself as a colossal nerd. "Hello, my name is John..and I like nerdy shit like English comedy, art films, think Breaking Bad is one of the greatest TV shows ever, and have a fondness for Stephen King and Christopher Moore novels. I am powerless in the face of my addiction."

Anyways, here it is. "Inside the Lizard Brain"



*Remember a few years back when every brain dead starlet would get her bare vajayjay photographed as she exited a car in a short skirt? It turned into some sort of weird bimbo arms (vag?) race where one trollop (look it up) would try to outdo the other for shock value? I was kinda hoping things would reach their inevitable end, no, not Mutual Assured Destruction (look it up), but with Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan getting a full gynecological exam on the sidewalk outside of a West LA club as the paparazzi's flash-bulbs blinded the doctor administering the pap smear.

Stuff

-OK, we all know how I am jinxed when it comes to being in line at the grocery store. I swear, it's almost freaky. Last night I was buying a few minor necessities for dinner, and guess what? Yep…cluster fuck on register four. So I'm patiently standing there with my meager twenty dollars worth of shit, hoping to make a quick exit. Ha! Nope! The guy in front of me asks for cash back…twenty dollars to be exact. The cashier rings up the purchase and hands him a twenty dollar bill. He takes his six pack of Coke and bag of chips (and a pack of gum if I remember correctly), and prepares to walk away. The cashier then abruptly shouts "Sir…I'm so sorry! I forgot to add on your twenty dollars cash back to your bill…" Now, instead of merely looking at his receipt to confirm the error, the guy fires back an "Excuse me?" and gives the cashier a look like she's some kind of lying ass whore. Needless to say, resolving this issue isn't going to be easy. The cashier asks the gentleman (I use this word loosely, "asshole" would be more appropriate) to take a look at his receipt to show him the error. He's reluctant to do so. So she produces HER receipt to show him that yes, a three dollar six pack of Coke, a two dollar bag of chips, and a pack of gum, PLUS twenty dollars cash back does not, in fact, equal six dollars and thirty two cents. Of course Mr. Tightass now figures there's some kind of grand Save Mart conspiracy to screw him out of twenty dollars, and now we need to get the manager involved. Sigh. The thing is this dork knew he was essentially trying to steal twenty dollars because he was refusing to look at his own receipt. Just let it go man! I need to get home with my wine! (Cline red zinfandel…not a bad bottle for the money). Fuck no…we're going to have some street theater over this issue! So I stand there with my best "Are you fucking kidding me?" look on my face as the drama plays itself out, and the guy eventually sulks off minus his twenty dollar bill...and his dignity. As for me? I, once again, get the joy of turning a ten minutes grocery trip into a migraine inducing half-hour torture session.

-Speaking of torture session…the holidays. Now, perhaps you think of the holidays as a time of forgiveness and family bonding, or if you're the religious sort, the birth of the earthly embodiment of God, or whatever. It's all good. But driving around the other day, I discovered what the real point of the holidays are: mindless, rampant, head up your ass consumerism. I have never seen so many people driving around not only with a look of panic on their faces (it's the panicky look of: "If I don't blow every penny I have, plus put the equivalent of thirty percent of my of my total yearly earnings on credit buying useless shit none of us need, the…the…the…holidays will be RUINED!"). It actually nauseates me. The fact that we, well, not me, but "them", so mindlessly buy into corporate America's ongoing mantra of a mind fuck of "spend-spend-spend if you love somebody" is pitiful (OK, not really…I do not pity the stupid). Why does society feel compelled to consume? Here's a great example of how corporate America is doing you in the keister, sans lube, and not even a with a kiss on the cheek or telling you how pretty you are: the iPod. We all have one, right? And they all pretty much do the same thing…play music and video files. But guess what? That one you bought six months ago? It's a piece of shit. Want to know why? Because it's white…and now we offer all these cool new COLORS. So, if you're not some totally uncool loser, throw away the one you already have a get a hot new pink one..or whatever. No, it has no new functions…but it IS a cool new color! Come on you typical American retard! Buy a new one! What are you waiting for????? It's a different color for fuck's sake!!!! BUY BUY BUY!!!!!!! It's only money you probably don't even have anyways you fucktard!!!!Sigh. And people do…and it really is kind of tragic. Same thing with cell phones. Hey Mr. American El Tardo. Check out your phone. Does it have a keyboard on it? It does…but they're buttons, right? HA HA HA! You fool!!! You suck! Ha, ha, ha…you probably fingerpaint with your own dung too you monkey!!!! If you were truly an upright walking homosapien, you'd have this phone right here!!! No, it doesn't do anything different than the phone you already have, but its keyboard is on a TOUCH SCREEN. It's soooo totally different. So, unless you want to look like the worlds lamest…uh…."lamoid" (I'm running out of pejoratives here), ditch that actual keyboard for a virtual keyboard. It's only going to cost you two-hundred dollars you don't need to spend, but really, come on…this phone will get you LAID*…so what are you waiting for???? (sound being softly and lovingly whispered in your ear: spend spend spend).

-What is it about the loving embrace of the holidays that makes people drive like homicidal maniacs? In this season of peace and love, people drive with a "I will burn rubber on your larynx, back up, do it again, park on your dick, and then hunt down and vehicular manslaughter your entire family because I need to buy a different colored iPod goddammit!!!! This white one I purchased for my loved one six months ago that has all the functions of the colored ones just doesn't truly express who my loved one is or how I feel about them!!!!! So get the fuck outta my way!!!! Aaaaaaiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!" Anywhoo…there's a whole lot of shopping induced mania out there, and I just wish people would chill. I've never seen so many folks stress in the pursuit of…peace. It's the ultimate dichotomy, and if you have any sense of irony at all, it IS kind of funny…unless of course you're just trying to get to the dry cleaners before you have to go back to the Bay Area and you're stuck behind these holiday tweakers. In that case, it is not funny…AT ALL. I think the ultimate gift this year should be the county lacing the public water system with Prozac. It would do us all a world of good…

-Holy shit is I-80 near Berkeley cold as fuck at 3am. Jesus Christ, I almost froze my nuts off. When Mark Twain said "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco", he should have amended it to "Unless of course you're in the East Bay, and it's winter…and you're dumb enough to be outside after sundown…for any reason whatsoever….you moron." Needless to say, I invested in a heavy jacket which seems to have remedied the situation…but good lord, to be homeless in the Bay Area in the winter you'd have to be one hearty motherfucker. In fact, I'd put the Bay Area bums up against any in the world…they're just that impressive. OK, that's about it for now…time to get to some chores I've been ignoring due to my whacked out sleep schedule and being out of town…good times.

*If there IS a phone out there that WILL get you laid...let me know. THAT is a purchase I may consider...