OK, a confession...

...I am now mildly annoyed. Who am I annoyed with you may or may not be asking yourself? (I'm going with 'not asking yourself' by the way) I am annoyed with the idiots who monopolize one particular piece of gym equipment at the gym and are oblivious to the fact that others may like to use it as well. Sure, you can ask to 'work in' a set as they do their thing, but the idea that I have to ask permission to use a piece of equipment I am PAYING for is ridiculous. So, generally, what I'll do is go about my business on the other pieces of equipment until Mr. Healthy is done. Well, today, I was nearing the end of my circuit routine (about 35 minutes or so) and this dumb ass is STILL on the apparatus I want to use and finish with (it was a butterfly station). DUDE! It's ok to work more than one muscle group. I suggest you also work the one that allows you to be something other than an oblivious narcissistic asshole. I love these guys that come into the gym to work on particular body parts on particular days. Isnt that amazing? To be that self absorbed? Hell, to be that self conscious? "Well, today is eyelids, tomorrow is nipples, and then I'll be focusing on my pinky toe on Friday. Got to attack all these groups on their own. After all, it's not about being in good health. Oh no, no, no...it's about having sculpted eyelids (and nipples and toes)." What makes it even better is the fact that they're not continually working out. They'll work in a fifteen minute conversation with their gym buddy (who no doubt is in there on his day to work his kneecaps...because tomorrow is all about scrotum work), take about 135 water breaks (you can spot these jackasses as they enter the gym. They'll be carrying their own towel and a water jug the size of a beer keg), entertain one or two mobile phone calls, fiddle with their iPod, and frequently stare off into space apparently doing absolutely nothing at all (perhaps 'visualizing those perfect eyelids and nipples he's working on?). In fact, I think they even occasionally take a nap. Even though they spend 26 hours on one piece of gym equipment, they work in only about 12 minutes of actual exercise.
Obviously these guys love to hang around a bunch of heavily sweating men and dislike going home to their families. While this speaks volumes about them, it brings me no satisfaction knowing theyre a bunch of miserable people with repressed sexual longing they wont deal with. I just want to use the fucking butterfly station, you know?

Uh......

I have a theory, and it is this: if things are ok, you don't spend too much time on the 'net. I was thinking I needed to blog something, but what? I don't have anything all that interesting to bitch about (a usual fave topic of mine), life, family, and finances are good, friends are, well, they're all over the place, but that's nothing new, and I'm generally in a calm place at the moment. So what to type? Dunno...

Been on vacation for some weeks now. As a result, I have had more beer/cocktails in the past twenty days than in the past year...maybe more. The result? Six pounds of weight gain...so, needless to say, cocktail hour is over. What I don't get are alcoholics who are skinny. Hows does that work? Cocaine binges? A diet of menthol cigarettes and methamphetamine? Or do you just drink to the point of vomiting, thus maintain your svelte figure? Truly, it is a mystery to me.

I'm tempted to go on here, but it would just be a waste of space that was the result of a forced effort. I think most blogging requires a certain amount of energy, usually negative, and is the result of anxiety, anger, the need for validation from others, etc. Occasionally, it it is for no other purpose than to be funny, and those are the blogs I tend to enjoy and attempt to write (when I'm not full of anxiety, anger, or the need of validation from others). So, in order not to violate my own rule, I should stop here.

Ok, ideally I'd be able to end with an amusing anecdote or a fart joke, but sadly, I have neither to share, although I will say this...the phrase "You cause the rain!" makes me laugh every time I think of it, and is one of the truest ideas I can think of.

Science

I discovered something interesting this weekend when I threw a party at my house. If you pour enough alcohol down peoples throats, as the party roars on past 2 a.m., not only will they seek out tobacco products, they will discover a medical condition that requires they immerse themselves in hot, bubbly water. Apparently, I too suffered from this condition. Here's the photographic evidence (which makes me laugh every time I look at it) Photo number one, people socializing on my back patio and behaving themselves. Photo two...well, it speaks for itself:

You may not know your neighbors, but they sure may know you...

So tonight I was standing in my driveway when a strange, chain smoking Asian woman, who I have never set eyes on in my life, walked up to me, and said I "needed" to walk her to the corner of the street in order to placate a friend of hers, who was worried about her safety. She proceeded to (accurately) tell me what I did for a living, told me all about a party I had three years ago at my house, about how I had a friend who is a NY trained chef bbq at my place several times, and that over the years she's noticed 'several' different women coming and going from my place. Exactly. Cue theme from Twilight Zone (or maybe Psycho). I mean, you know, wow...how do you respond to that? What do you say? 'Well complete stranger who I have never met who seems to know waaaaay to much about me, although I am about nine inches and 70 pounds larger than you, I must say, you're spooking the ever living shit out of me." But no, I am a polite man, even to the apparently somewhat disturbed, so I made pleasant chit chat through her cloud of cigarette smoke as I walked her to the corner...and looked for a hidden knife or pistol in the waistband of her pants. I then asked her how she knew so much about the neighborhood (didn't want to bring it back to me), and she stated when you knew Spanish, French, and Arabic, you know a lot. Yep. Apparently you do! So, needless to say, tonight I will be sleeping with one eye open and my hands over my testicles, because a) it just seems like a good idea, and b) truth be told they're usually placed there anyway, so, you know...bonus.

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is that singer from Kings of Leon one, whiney, annoying bastard. Attention radio programmers of America: ENOUGH ALREADY! "This sex is onnnn fiiiire." Really? Then go to the doctor and get it checked. That burning sensation is not normal...dumbass.

Tragedy Avoided

On my long commute home this morning after an even longer graveyard shift, the radio station played back to back John Mayer, Jack Johnson, and Dave Matthews songs. I don't know if the DJ was trying to induce narcolepsy in us early morning drivers, but it was only through quick and decisive action was I able to change the radio channel prior to passing out in a deep coma as a result of this Sleepy Time Herbal Tea radio hour programming. We were THIS CLOSE to having a nasty pile up on I-80 eastbound due to the mellow whitebread sleep inducing music emanating from my speakers. Another interesting thing about these so called "chill' artists is their lyrics, which sound something like this: "Mwah freh traugh sawaho cho mah saw lah owwww". All three songs seemed to follow this unique vocal styling which seemed to take the idea of having a mouth full of marbles to new and exciting heights. It was just simply an awful...I mean awsome...aural experience (not to be confused with an awesome 'oral experience', which, lets face it, beats John Mayer and his ilk all to hell ...). Do people really listen to this stuff? Or is it really meant for the treatment of insomnia? Hmmm...maybe these guys are sponsored by Merck or Eli Lilly? Actually, I can totally see the following: Tonight Only! John Mayer, Jack Johnson, and Dave Matthews brought to you by the makers of Ambien! (and then rather than sell t-shirts at the concert, they sell pilllows and comforters.... You know, I really think I'm on to something here...).

Orange Blossoms

You know, the Valley and Fresno take a lot of heat (get it? Fresno....heat...yeah, I almost died laughing too. Anywhoo...) from glamorous southern and northern California for a variety of snotty reasons. Whatever. But you know what the Valley has that just can't be beat this time of year? The fragrant smell of orange blossoms in the air on a warm evening. It's sweet smell takes me back to summer drives at night as a teen, when life was still wide open before me, and it is one of the things that reminds me the Valley is, indeed, home.